GUEST POST: Socket in the Toilet

Editors Note:

You guys remember Mr Kerre D'yesan, right? Yes, the sex god. Yes, the guy famous for not closing the door, especially when he's doing his stuff. Yes, that guy who as of December 2014 was still operating a worn out Nokia something something series.  (Those that only have the flashlight as a feature to brag about). Yes, that guy whose bffs are maize flour, ingokho, kamataho, kamaturu and nini. Yes, that guy who did that piece on Sports Pesa.

 

And apparently he studies engineering now. Tihihihi. I swear am not laughing.

He is back with this lovely piece.

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Socket in the Toilet.

Physics was all about making life easier, or so we were told. For the 16 years I’ve studied it both in general science and Mechanical Engineering, the only work it made easier was that of nobody. I’m sure it took my primary school teacher at least six slices of his breakfast bread to cane the stupidity out of each of our dry backs. Well, as for Mr. Gala, my high school all time not-favorite teacher my sure guess is two whole meals to the least (on his laziest day). All the physics I knew was defined by those lashing moments. 

Psychology has it that the mind is controlled virtually by past and present experiences. For a lad like me, taking that to the university would mean PTSD or PTDS whichever is correct. (I do Mechanical Engineering remember?)  I remember buying a wheel spanner and a pair of heavy plastic gloves six hours after I got my admission letter to pursue mechanical engineering ( I just had to make sure you remembered) at the great Kenyatta University. Little did I know that those were meant for watu wa mkono in most of these garages around city centers. 

Six years down the line I have managed to acquire a ‘third’ hand android phone. The sweetest thing about it was and still is the WhatsApp chat forum. For most of the phones I had borrowed from my friends to ‘sportpesa’ with, I always caressed the screen gently like picking dew from the feeble grass stalks without them trembling in the process. But for this phone, I had to literally scrub the screen surface for a letter to be reproduced on the screen as print. My physics lessons now made more sense.

Chatting into the wee hours of the night and on every opportunity I got made my eyes almost drop out. Half of what I was typewriting during this time was either taken straight from a movie or the numerous RnB’s I listened to while chatting. Funny, they never knew. This might also have been the reason why I left the door open on that fateful day that has forever made me a legend in this blog.

So, like any other android phone, the battery couldn’t keep up as much as I did with the lies. It took maximally three hours from the continuous pounding and scouring on the opposite side of its bed. Now I sit in this toilet looking around. I always carry the charger in the pocket like the early man did with his knife or weapon lest he descended on dinner in his everyday hunting escapades. Like the early man, I too hope to pounce on my prey- a socket or a free USB port on Pokot’s laptop.  

But this one very crucial place lacks a socket. The one place I go every evening after fiercely battling Mzee Dabuz and Sumu at the Battle De Ugali. You should know you don’t fight against such experienced pure Luhya men in eating the Luhya cake without expecting to visit the crucial place. I’m having a number two and this might take a whole hour. That’s long enough for six of them to suspicious and start making calls. My phone is already off. 

Dear physics, talk to architects and have them install a socket next to this magnificent seat of equality. Or better yet, just install an android system in my Motorola CI13. 

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Engage him on Twitter @CptAllan .

NEW MUSIC ALERT- 'Don't Be Shy'

 

                                                                                                                                                               

I’ve always had a problem with Kenyan music. I’ve never understood why a song would hit just because somebody doesn’t want to move two centimeters away or just because ‘wanavuka boda’. Maybe am just an old young man who think good music is restricted to country music or Zilizopendwa. 

 

I know I can’t sing to save my life. That’s a slight exaggeration though. I’m not that bad. Just ask my shower. She’s heard me sing, those deep soprano songs that even Bruno Mars would have a hard time pulling. 

I’ve always loved singing. I remember when I was a kid, we used to form a family choir for special events like New Year.  Back then my voice was as soft as Mzee Byudeh’s, but it didn’t deter me from singing in ‘base’. In my head it must have sounded deep and masculine.  Looking back I don’t want to imagine how I sounded like. That’s what happens when you have sly sisters leading you on to make a fool of yourself.

In my adult life, I’ve made minimal contacts with the mic; when not inebriated I must add. The last time I sang was in Nyeri. It was a karaoke session. Trust free shots, the presence of unfamiliar faces and a little nudge from bad friends to make a guy climb to the podium and ‘wow’ akina Njeri with lyrics from the lakeside.

Today, however is not about my stillborn music career. Today is about my friend Ray Sterh Keyz who’s launching a new song. Sorry, he would prefer I say, ‘he’s dropping a fresh dope single’. Fresh it surely is. He recently sent me a link to listen to his first song, ‘The Promise’ and in the words of Maina Kageni it was absolutely fantabolous. Why lie? Here's the lyrical video and audio . Be thine own judge.

In collaboration with his friend Chill Darapper, Ray Sterh Keyz (fancy names, right) is planning on releasing another single next month. I know the world of links has made it almost archaic to visit music stores but this is one guy you wanna support. 

Don't be confused by the fancy names, Ray is just a Luo from Sega, hapo 2 karibu na Chief's Camp. 

See the press release below........

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Tittle: Don't Be Shy

After his success debut last year, RnB singer Ray Sterh Keyz is set to release a new single early next month.

The song dubbed ‘’Don’t be shy’’ which features his long time rapper friend Chill Darapper will be a fusion of Afro-Pop/Rnb and Rap. It’s something which is set to light up the Kenyan music scene.

The song which will be produced by Producer Melody of the Afrikan Touch Production has so far drawn so much attention from the two artistes fans both on Twitter and Facebook.

Ray Sterh Keyz was set to release his second studio single during the end of last year but had to postpone it due to the fact that he did the song under a USA based Music Management Group, ShirlWhirl International and the release date had some registration hitches. The song which he is yet to reveal its title is also set for a release soon.

Ray Sterh Keyz has confirmed to The Diary of a Jack of all Trades that the "Don’t be shy’’ recording is currently underway and the listeners should be ready anytime for its snippet online.

Keep it here for its official launch.

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NB:

The 'vuka boda' thing is my own opinion and not Ray Sterh Keyz's.

Keep it #‎TeamRaySterhKeyz‬ and engage him on Twitter @RaySterhKeyz and like his  Facebook page here.

GUEST POST: A team that gambles together...........

Look at this beautiful lady. Look at her again. Look at her heels. Then go back to her smile. Do you recognize her? I know you do. She's the reason why one percent of Kenyans are smiling all the way to the bank. She's also the reason why most Vultures are deep in debt.  

Today's Guest Post is by Mr Kerre D'yesan. He's a blood brother. By blood I mean we took a blood oath one night at San Siro, the official Vulture's Stadium presided over by Shehe Kitivo. Kerre loves ugali, hockey and hot mamas in that order. He's one guy I know who eats steaming hot ugali from the sufuria as if they are popcorns. There’s this time I went for a one week class trip and left him the key to my room. According to his sworn statement the room was burglarized. Only one thing was  apparently stolen. Yes, your guess is as good as mine. Unga tu! 

When he's not playing hockey or FIFA, he does what any vulture does. Sometimes he forgets to close the door in the process. In his free times he studies Animal Health. I think his life long dream is to own one of those oversize white coats, make cows pregnant and call himself dakitari.  

And oh, he's a disciple of the great Barney Stinson. He would be mad if I didn’t mention that. 

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I give you... .........A team that gambles.................

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Sometimes it is one of either options. Most of the time it’s what you least hoped for. All in all, something just has to happen. Wait, I never said what it is. Anxiety is what makes you hope. The knowledge of uncertainty just doesn’t go well with emotions. Here at Ambitions Pub the game is boring. It is between a lousy Aston Villa and West Bromwich Albion. I’m looking around hoping that the game will end soon so that we can take our leave. I look at my phone, no calls from her, or them. No missed notifications either. 

I can’t just leave without any reason. I look at my friends. Their knees are almost knocking each other. Twelve minutes ago, Polycarp was drunk and uncontrollable. But now, he has his eyes fixed on the screen as if his life depends on it. Maybe it actually does. And so are the rest of the anxious and sweat dripping men who had brought me here in the name of “bro, najua hauna kapesa, kuja tujinice uku, ntakushikia kamoja”. 

Nobody ever concentrates on these looser games. Nobody that I know of......apart from this great friends of course.  These teams are both at the bottom of the table so they are not a threat to the teams these guys are supporting. Am intrigued and ask what sudden passion for low tier football has crept in. I get one of the three answers God gives you when you wait but in a different version, “chill bro, nakuambia tu saii. Ni extra time” 

On inquiry during the break, I realize that I was on this early kick off game simply because all these friends wa kunishikia kamoja had bet for either of the teams. In campus today, betting has become the easiest most anxious way of losing money. If you ask Boka J Makaburi how much he has ever made in the thirty nine months of betting in his life, he’ll talk of that one incident. The famous incident when he bet  four hundred shillings and made a whooping twelve thousand! I say famous because everybody got to know about it. It was hard not to. Not with Boka J buying everyone in Mbugus  drinks that night. By the way Boka never buys even his own lunch. He doesn't starve either.

Boka's story telling ability is enough to make you  bet your last one thousand in the hope of tripling your money. That's not until you get to know he has actually lost  over thirty thousand since he placed his first bet.  Betting might be that big risk you want to take if you have money to use rather than money to spend. (Did you see what I did there)

Betting changes people. I, for one have never seen Lord Rungu an ardent Arsenal fan, wishing 'almost to death' that Chelsea beat Newcastle. Less than a month ago he bought a whole sheep because the result was to the contrary. He even attended church in a new Giorgio Armani! Today he has placed three hundred shillings on Chelsea. He is waiting for fate to do her thing.

He won’t take water at least six hours before the game in case he accidentally splashes it out due to mounting pressure. He keeps on wearing and taking off his leather coat. Shakes calls it ‘ile koti ya githurai’.  

I know either way, he won’t lose big. As the most Vulturised Chelsea fan, I will lose either way. If Chelsea wins I lose because I didn't place my bet. If Chelsea loses the game the fan part of me suffers. 

Betting is fun for me as well. Imagine what Poly will do if he wins the five hundred or so he expects from this game! He might throw away his phone like a graduation cap and maybe that's how God planned I own my smartphone. The man above knows am tired of this dumb phones that only have flashlights and the Bounce game.

Lord Rungu will obviously buy chicken and invite me to share the forbidden imondo. At least Boka go on yapping for another week. I’m not expecting the results to go any different, I’m hoping they win and lose respectively.

So what if I'm a sadist? Sometimes life is all about me.