Here's my duly filled wealth declaration form

They say the past has a way of catching up with people. You only have to live in Kenya today to understand the ramifications of that short statement. Interviews for public jobs nowadays are done in the full glare of the cameras with the public given a chance to ‘vet’ your ‘suitability’ for office. This is a break from the past where you could just call someone aside and lengthen the size of his tummy, literally through a process called kupeana chai. Am not of course saying that process would pass the integrity test but I prefer it to what we have today where you have to cook tea for a hundred rats. I didn’t use pigs deliberately; I hear they have ears nowadays. 

You must be wondering where I am going on with this. Think no more. As I might have mentioned here before I have political ambitions and what better time to open my closet for public scrutiny than now. I am torn between following the spirit of good governance and not being considerate to poor you. I think it would be very insensitive to flaunt my financial muscle when thousands of jobless and attachmentless students are going through a deep recession that only Cheboi, he of HELB can make go away and that as you might be aware may have to await our dear Mugenda to summon us to school. So if you see idlers posting on social media especially Mukuru Kwa Zuckeberg (MKZ, facebook you dummy, twirra has no such posts) how much they miss school be aware that they don’t miss OML or AZ for that matter. They probably miss some chums in their pocket and the possibility of getting aware with literally any cash related lie.

“Daddy, tunaenda trip Somalia, c unitumie fare, upkeep, yellow fever vaccine, Ebola vaccine, Guangdou disease vaccine etc…”

Don’t ask me what the latter disease is, I don’t know if it really exists, but with the recent shift in health patterns attributed to globalization anything is a disease.

If you’ve been a trustworthy and a model son you can sit pretty and wait for an MPESA message on your phone. After all they said honesty in the early years pays now. There’s of course the probability that the guardian may want to know what that vaccine is for, you can always say he heard wrong and you meant HINI vaccine or anything and I would bet my hockey stick that the conversation wouldn’t go further. You just have to make sure there’s no evidence or transcript of the conversation, that’s why as hard as it may be to lie on a straight face, it’s more important you don’t text or voicemail etc. Unless of course your main aim is not to get some more cash for the students Annex or Comfy or Barrack’s inn but to take my dear hockey stick away.

I think am getting lost here, yes I was declaring my wealth without really rubbing it in. this version is thus a sensitive sample of what i have accrued so far.

The church vote is crucial for any elections and thus I will confess I own a Bible and a Hymn book…….in my android device. 

I also own a pool table, recording studio, a cyber café …….also in my android device. Add to the list a few pairs of suits and oh, and a lion. This two are very integral part of that list in that its strange hasoras will not vote for their fellow hasoras so you must never be seen as a one suit guy never mind that you have the heart of Mahatma Gandhi, the eloquence of Barrack Obama, the connection of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, the looks of David Beckam. That’s why while not declaring the number of my suits; I wish to state categorically that they qualify as several, though all navy blue. So if you spot me with the same suit four days in arrow please don’t think of me as ‘yule jama wa suti moja’

When I mentioned that I possess a lion, I should have probably specified what am talking about. I don’t mean Mutula’s lions. I mean what in my father tongue we refer to as simba. Now in Jakanese, simba is simply a young man’s heart where he is by law allowed to hold interviews for suitable wives. That simple structure is his official palace where he is king and his words are law. The only thing currently missing from my lion is one nyakisumo. Now as you might be aware nyakisumo is a special girl. She can cook and clean, very well, I must add. Those are of course the key factors to look into primarily in the choice of a life mate. The problem with nyakisumo is that she is pursuing a high profile course in the university and thus does not fully agree with the culture of our people. See a real Luo man should not compromise on the number of first ladies he has.

Lions of some prominent Luopeans 

Dr Jarunda"s lion

mzee varaq's lion

obeez outside his lion in USA(Ugenya,Siaya,Alego)

Not just for the sake of following in the footsteps of the great men in my lineage but logically speaking a high number of wives ensure political mileage. If nobody else will vote for you, your wives will. Unless yours is Delilah. What will I for example tell my grandfather Jaduon’g Bernadus Okombo Alwanda when he hears that I let his lineage down and acquiscened to nyakisumo’s illogical, barbaric and selfish agenda? She doesn’t even seem interested in giving me baby one of fifteen yet. He used to tell us of how men with one wives used to sit behind the circle when realer men drunk kuon’g. This was their version of Heineken. since there were no bottles then, they used to serve from a common pot .the people with decimal number of wives used to sit at the back lest they get the bad news of the passing of their ‘yours truly and kick the pot with all its content and ruin the party for their fellow elders. A person with twenty wives will for example continue drinking at ease knowing that when he got home the other nineteen will still be clamoring for his attention. 

Anyway for the sake of this wealth declaration form I will state that I have one dear source of heat, Nyakisumo, and no kids outside, yet. When I die and children start showing up please don’t be harsh on them or my memory for that matter. In case you wondering why I listed her here, women are property, and she goes into my wealth declaration sheet as property number seven.

As regards any locomotive, I still don’t possess any four wheel or two wheeled agent of locomotion. My simple reason would be am still waiting for the people who manufacture such basic stuff to upgrade to something truly revolutionary before I acquire one. Anyway when am your leader I will have no option but to just settle for anything. After all I can’t embarrass my people, now can I?

Well I used to own a dog but since that story of bestiality in the coast I think it’s probably a good idea we part as friends. I mean I saw how that cannibal looks at nyakisumo and it’s only fair to our friendship that we end it now. So let my wealth declaration form show that I used to have a dog, loved and cared for it till they started that kuzoeana thing.

While I was mentioning my suit I should have spoken of my Mark Vacheroni shirt. My good friend Sad News aka Mguyz Msoft, reigning Mr. KU will probably tell you it is not just a shirt has passed here bwana, it’s a big deal. Actually where I bought it from the guy assured me that they were only two in the republic .So I took the one for myself and the other for Mzee Default. That however, we were soon to learn could not have been further from the truth. Anyway for the sake of this piece I should probably have it here as item number nine.

There may be one or two meager things that I haven’t mentioned so far e.g. a woofer, a well thriving jersey business among others. Let the record show that this was not to deny you the good people an opportunity to scrutinize the discrepancies between my remuneration entitlements at my places of work and the wealth accrued over the years  but a desire to kill the size of the prose. I am still committed to the principles of truth, justice, transparency and accountability.

As always

Mzee Varaq …Getting you Heard (not a bad slogan right?)