Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Friday, 26 July 2013

When K’Ogalo Comes Calling.....

If you follow sports news fairly well, you might have stumbled upon a piece by some sports journalist about the top ten stadiums in the world one needs to see before they die. I take great exception to the article because it had major discrepancies in the final tally. My bone of contention is that three of my favorite stadiums did not make it to that list despite an unpublished opinion poll done where respondents overwhelmingly fronted them as their favorites. EStadio de Vultures the home of the Vultures Hockey Team and City park Hockey stadium- the stadium to host the African cup of nations in September both failed to make it to the list. I would have taken that as a Kenyan (accepted and moved on ……..and waited for the revolution) but to add salt to the injury they left Tok Komwanda International Stadium! Now this is what lay men call City Stadium, the home of THE Gor Mahia Football Club.

If you have never been to a Gor game, then you are not a football fan. And when I say being to a Gor match I don’t mean stretching your legs and catching the match on Supersport 9 from the comfort of your neighbour’s house. The thrill of the game is first in the discomfort, the vast sea of humanity chanting and singing vulgarities; the sharing of laughter with a stranger whom you’ve probably never met before; the high fives and the easy familiarity forged by the resignation to the fact that your fates are embedded together. It is the utter assurance that a fellow K’Ogalo fan will walk with you through the good and bad times, through wins and losses, through tears of joy and tears of gases, through rubber bullets…………... you do realize though live bullets are a different thing, right? A K’Ogalo fan driving a Mercedes will stop for you in the middle of the road and offer his chauffeuring services to the stadium pro bonno.

THE GOR AIRBUS

Everybody, I’ll repeat; everybody has some strong emotions that are not just very negative but also very destructive. This energy needs to be let out without the moral decorum imposed by society hovering in the air like a hangman’s noose. Being at a K’Ogalo game gives you the chance to vent, scream, kick the air, temporarily forget all your Njeri-caused problems and just focus on being happy. You become a marauding tiger, finally released into the wild from captivity, full of desire, eager to devour and crack bones. Some of you are wondering whether I work for the stadia management board and am advertising, well wonder no more.

The main reason am writing this article is so that in any case photos or videos of me emerge singing not Sunday school songs but those antiestablishment compositions targeting the good JubIEBCiary and the Jubilee government you should understand that I was made to sing against my will. If you also saw me alongside Jaduon’g Ragen diving into a moving pickup on Jogoo road after the mighty K’Ogalo taught some team (I can’t really remember the name ) what football is please understand that that’s just K’Ogalo’s doing .

Owning the road

A K’Ogalo game is not just a football match, it is a social event. For an occasion to qualify as a social event there are certain distinguishing features that need be present including an appropriate date for the occasion and a dress code and in this two regards the game qualifies. Any social event worth its salt needs to bring together persons of different backgrounds who have a common interest and in this regard their unwavering loyalty to K’Ogalo fits the bill. Think of any distinguishing feature of an elite social event and I will give you the equivalent in a Gor game, a high table for a VIP stand, a toast for high five, a guest of honor for Baba.... j

Just as you are likely to run into your least favorite uncle in a family event, you are also likely to run into former schoolmates like George Odongo who wasn’t a hooligan back then when our brains allowed us to study serious subjects like Aviation in the school of men.

When I mentioned about the date to the game, I should have probably been specific enough and added that a date necessarily needn’t be that girl you are trying to impress. There are of course several reasons why. The most obvious one would be that it is considered ‘nuks’ to bring a girl who is not a fan because it is believed to bring bad luck. Don’t ask me how the presence of Wambui would change the projections of a game but needless to say you cannot win an argument against a wounded K’Ogalo faithful. You remember the story of the turbulence that seized when Jonah was thrown to the sea, right?

On any match day, there is always the probability that the tickets are sold out and some of the genius methods of getting into the stadium might win you an award for creativity but not the coveted Nobel peace prize. Here I mean climbing over high perimeter walls, using human ladders and my new favorite creating a wave at the gate and pushing and shoving your way in. You however need to make sure you not the one kissing the metal gate or the farthest behind the this tidal wave for obvious reasons. It’s my new favorite because it prepares us physically for the imminent revolution.

Another reason why you need not make an appearance alongside a brown Wambui is because it prevents you from watching the game. Football is a jealous mistress that craves for full attention though acknowledges some things like a can of ‘something small’, songs or even a dances can be worth sharing it with.. Some of this ladies who wear a tones worth of makeup and do mind their nails more than they do the contents of their skull and their wigs and weaves more than they do good mannerisms would prefer watching the proceedings from the VIP lounges, sorry I meant VIP stands. A true fan will however tell you the place to watch the game is in Rassia alongside the not so modest fans.This is not just because of the feeling of belonging forged but for obvious comic relief.

In Rassia, you watch raw talent, real thespians, comedians, song writers do their thing live without prior rehearsal .That’s why one can only get disappointed when you get home to watch Kenya's 'premier' comedy and Churchill starts narrating some wildebeest story. You even begin to wonder whether you are watching NatGeo World. Forgive my digression.

If this song goes ahead and becomes a bestseller you probably remember where you had it first…….

Mluhya yuak okuyu onyamo gweno

MaDVD yuak ouru onyamo gweno

MaDVD yuak ouru onyamo gweno……………×forever

If you don’t understand the words be grateful, some things cannot be unheard.

If your forte has been opening doors, being kind and gentlemanly, then a year’s investment might be ruined in a moment of frenzy. After the game she might just text you

Joe, I thought I knew you but the guy I saw today was ………

In this era of bestiality who knows what a lonely guy will do?Mount a crocodile or better yet,a porcupine?

As one rises up to sing the K’Ogalo nation anthem and bid Tok Komwanda International Stadium farewell, a certain sense of loss creeps in, but you carry the three points to the league summit and wait for the next victims to be named.

K’Ogalo, Gor, Gor Mahia

K’Ogalo, timbe duto yuak ne Gor

Leaving the stadium too is not just an activity has passed here. The K’Ogalo faithful leaves in stages.

There is the first group. They pass through Muthurwa reigning havoc and anarchy. They are very noisy,are large in number and pretty much get away with anything from picking(not looting) to hurling insults .They are then those once that follow closely, laughing at the crimes against Muthurwa people committed by the first lot. They are considerably less but walk bravely, rubbing in the salt knowing that should there be any confrontation the masses are not far away.

Then there is the last group of fans. This group contains people who stick by the decorum imposed by society, frown upon acts of outright vandalism but secretly wish to partake. This group also contains the passive fans who just make a fashion statement by adorning the sacred green and white. They follow the proceedings on twitter on their Kabambe phones through +8988 probably because they share a common DSTV decoder with ten other people in the block and since Njuguna’s girlfriend came they have been watching Man versus food all along. If you love your life don’t be among this group of latecomers. This is the group that gets into running battles with the men in blue and gives the Muthurwa hawkers a chance to salvage their pride by cornering twenty people and beating them silly.

Sometimes for the sins of the worst of the Romanovs, the best have to pay

The Summer Day is Done, Robert Tyler Stevens

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Why food may not sometimes be man's best friend

As I might have mentioned here before, of all my friends, associates and groups that am part of, there’s none that just fills me up with so much merry, ire, shock and trouble in equal measure like the Vultures Hockey Team. They are more than a just a team, more like a family. Not your normal family of course but just one crazy, crazy family. Let’s just say that while you can introduce your girl to your bros it won’t be a very good idea to bring that girl that you are still ‘swallowing saliva’ for before she processes your request and confirms your relationship by giving you ‘something’. In this team everybody is famous for something; T Matolo for his rungu, Allan the sex god, Baro yule wa kukula ugali ya fifty na skuma ya 5 bob, Maina Mwangi aka Mwizi Kamili, Juma Juma the slayer of virgins, Shakes the rasta among several others with such dark accolades.

Being a member of this team opens one’s mind to the realm of limitless possibilities. This is the place where weird is normal and strange is familiar, where vice is honored and virtue scoffed upon, where good morals are spurned and wickedness celebrated. Apart from beating teams locally and internationally on the pitch like they normally do every match day, this team is known as the noise makers of campus.

As you might be aware, Friday was Kenyatta University’s 34^th graduation ceremony and every time there’s a graduation trust me there’s always a Vulture or a Vulturess graduating with first class, or second class upper, or …….don’t tell me u were expecting me to go on. Apart from the exploits on the hockey pitch, we also have big brains though at times some of the methods of getting these good grades might not please the university senate. That’s why in induction, an infant vulture will always be urged to remember two important rules:

1. Never to get caught

And since getting into trouble is all they do, there’s always a chance of getting caught and that’s why rule no 2

2. Never to accept the charges, if you get caught

If there’s one thing this community knows how to do best is to party and so on Friday a team of over twenty party animals ascended to the hills of Ngong for Nana’s graduation party. Now Nana is one of KU’s oldest players having played for the ladies team for over six years. If you thinking she stayed long because of retakes you couldn’t be more wrong. You must know that completing a high profile course like computer engineering takes some time.

The expected departure time from KU to Ngong was 1700 hours but it wasn’t until 1900 hours that we left. There was this FIFA tournament that just had to be concluded to determine once for all who was the greatest at the game. The losers of course dared the winner to a game of real football claiming that there was referee bias or something. Can there be really referee bias in a preinstalled computer game? What happened to accepting and moving on? Oh, mwanaume ni kukataa.

Now as you might have noticed dealing with people who each claim the right to intelligence and intellectual prowess can be pretty difficult. Dealing with a wise vulture is even more difficult. But anybody’s worse nightmare is a drunk Vulture. We of course had to spend a lot of time at the gate arguing between going direct to town, going through Githu city and connecting to town, crossing to the other side of the flyover and waiting for a bus from Meru or Thika to town or walking to Kahawa and taking a mat to Githu city or town. I never realized that being a student on a post modern university on a superhighway presented one with so many boarding opportunities.

Each side had to present their compelling arguments like cost, comfort, space for the whole crew among others. Of course the people on the side of alcohol always win. The team decided to do Githu since it was practically impossible to get to town and grab some mzingas before the 2015 deadline for drinks purchase in Nakumatt. (If you were in the dark you informed now courtesy of the vultures) .The guys were disappointed when upon getting to Githu city’s Kassmatt they were told the supermarket doesn’t stock alcoholic beverages. Of course I knew that from the start, Mzee Varaq knows everything. So why didn’t I inform them? I think I did, it must have been absorbed in the chorus of the argument. Besides why would I insist if it would mean I get to sit next to this beautiful girl and ‘throw lines’ till Githu? After all si mwanaume ni kujaribu?

With this latest development the group had to rethink fast. Once again as is expected all the wise men had something to say. And true to my selfish nature I had to fuel this standoff. It would of course give me the much needed extra minutes to summarize my plea for babeship. As is the ritual again we took time to decide which bus was the best. Some of the things that were looked into included -number plate-KBE going backwards was considered old, the music system installed the visual appeal, the graffiti and many other sources of concern. To cut a long story short it wasn’t until about 2100 hours that we finally got town .We left for Ngong but not before grabbing some drinks for the road in some dungeons in downtown Luthuli and deliberating for some time whether to board the matatus in Kencom stage or railways. I think the Kencom people lost and I say so because we found ourselves at railways .John Peeuss formally John Omsa wa Ingotse Boys got lost in the middle of the town and we had to look for him manually as he kept saying he was in this building written Tuskys. No one would of course tell him that there are several Tuskys in Nairobi because John is not a very cordial fellow when intoxicated.

I know am almost getting to the one thousand word mark and I haven’t told you anything about the party yet. However, I just have to finish the journey and I’ll tell you why Nana Graduation Party would probably be in contention for the party of the year in a while.

Because we dint feel in the mood to mingle, we took the matatu that was last in the queue after agreeing with the driver to pay 60 bob per head. However the conductor couldn’t take our word for it and decided to add passengers in the bus despite our assurance that we would pay for the empty seats …….when we got to where we were going. The distrust must have been so much that he wanted to take our fare first hand. This act of bad faith made us alight and incite the other passengers too. We were more than willing to pay forty bob more in the second matatu. After all such coins could only create cracks and holes in my expensive Chino trousers pocket. And this time even Maina Mwangi and the other Kikuyu didn’t protest.

At times we forget that we are alone and talk, shout, chide each other, chant profanities and act in many ways that would not be accepted even by trendiest pastors ;even those who visit Koinange and repeat their MPESA numbers three time while reading the bible verses just once. Am sure the other passengers must have heaved an audible sigh of relief when we finally got to our destination and left the travelers to enjoy some moments of tranquility.

I won’t tell you of how we almost beat some police men in plain clothes silly for showing up and ordering us to reduce the decibels of noise being emitted from the ten by ten room. I won’t tell you why spin the bottle, truth or dare game is not my favorite for the time being .The probability of kissing that one girl who makes your stomach turn to the one that makes your heart heavier is about 20:1. I won’t tell you how much damage was caused especially in terms of broken beds and strained relationships with landlord and neighbors. We will however meet soon to find ways of ensuring that the good relationship with the landlord is restored. You should know we are pretty persuasive people.

There’s however one lesson that we learnt the hard way that I just had to share with you. Even for those with experience in ugali affairs, there’s a limit the human stomach can take. John Peeus will tell you that whereas it is justice to insert ugali tano and mboga ya five bob ,consuming a tray of ugali, a plate of pilau, a dish of stew ,a dozen pieces of chapati, an entire limb of a goat would be severe injustice.

mwanamme ni ugali

As the night worn off and people decided to catch some sleep ahead of the league match ,there were the familiar chorus of mwaahs, the hushed whispers of the sex god asking someone to let him in, the loud snores of tired men and women as they slept and another sound that I couldn’t figure out yet. But as the strong pungent smell flouted around the tiny room it became clear that the noise was the muzzled sound of farting from Omsa’s corner. And wait, he wasn’t alone, there was this lady too whose name I will withhold as there’s nothing as scary to a brave vulture like a pissed of Vulturess.

As it turned out they were in sync with the former base and the latter alto

Peeeus, Brrrrr

The melody would have been music to the ears had it not been for the toxicity of their emissions.

I won’t write more, I have friends to win back after as soon as I press the POST button.

Peeeus, Brrrrrrrr

Peeeusssssssssssss, Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

where art thou my bride?

Majority of KOT are pissed at HELB and you by now know it’s coz they decided to send mass texts to loan defaulters, including Mzee Varaq urging them, sorry threatening them to repay their outstanding HELB loans. Nothing wrong with the text you might argue. See, HELB has not finished paying me for passing my KCSE with flying colours. It’s also especially wrong because majority of us are still waiting for Safaricom to tetemesha us after years and years of loyalty, not even when yu to yu calls were free.

However, they did do a good job in reminding me that my days in Kenyatta University could be coming to an end. It’s funny how time flies; just the other day my mum was helping me to park and advising me to avoid the man eaters that roam around the Sodom and Gomorrahs of today maiming innocent boys ,teaching them wicked ways and misleading them. Looking at myself now I know some mother somewhere must be warning her daughters against people like me.

This HELB incident however has reminded just how much I need to clean my house and be ready to face the outside world-a journey am not willing, not unable, just unwilling to take alone. It would thus be a great shame if I left this institution of higher learning without my ‘yours truly’. It is very clear even to those of average mind that all ladies of all variety, tall and short, slim and plum, the wise to the not so wise, the jumpy jumpy fake American accents to the indigenous Bukusu tongue, young and old………….name it, you got it here. Am not of course suggesting that the motto of the university be changed from Elimu ni Nguvu to all under one roof, or you need, we’ve got it. All am saying is that you won’t find me or my people on Thika road protesting about the motto change. In KU, one can always raise the bar to the highest degree in terms of the bare minimum qualities required and get away with it. Unofficial studies also reveal that this campus has the most beautiful ladies and a leisure walk from the main gate to the Post Modern Library can easily confirm this.

As is my nature and my deep appreciation for inclusiveness, transparency and accountability, I wish to hereby advertise for the position of First Lady to the Varaq Empire.

As I might have mentioned here before of course there are several qualities that the office of Mzee Varaq will not even talk about. These qualities are in public records and any suitable candidate for the aforementioned position should possess these very vital pointers. Anyway for the sake of adding prose I’ll quickly mention them .A strong K’Ogalo Defense Forces is not negotiable and so is a firm KCC that can dispense lactose at the highest of pressures. She must of course accept that baba truly is the father of democracy in Kenya and Africa and that baba ni safi kama sufu. Her culinary skills should not be in disrepute. My mama’s ugali has the aroma of burning cracks and so should any ugali the prospective candidate plans to put on my table. She should also know how to shake what her mama gave her well. How else would she be able to fit in national holidays and state events such as the Ramogi Night? And of course it would be a great shame to the house of Varaq if Ragen’s okuyu can do better. These are basic qualities that any candidate vying must have, hakuna njia ingine.

In any serious interview, the participants pay some non refundable amount as interview fee. Mzee Varaq will however not ask for the payment in monetary form. The applicant must be able to show goodwill by ‘bringing kionjo’ before the interview. My right hand man, Jaduon’g Mano agrees with me totally and even explains that it is only through this processes that applicants desire to go over and above their job description, enthusiasm and a calling for duty can be assessed. Serious candidates should however know that this process will be done within existing sexual and reproductive health rights policies available in the land and that their good heartedness will not be taken for granted. However, this measure does not guarantee automatic qualification to the second round of the interview.

The applicant needs to demonstrate to the panel their open mindedness. She should have the capability and willingness to cook for unannounced guests whenever they drop in. My grandfather, the late Bernadus Alwanda used to tell me that people eat with their names. This direct translation simply means that a good name provides you with honor in other people’s homes. The applicant should thus ensure the name of Mzee Varaq remains high and what better way than to feed his people? The applicants open mindedness need not be overemphasized because due to the nature of my work things like used CDs can easily be in my pockets. This will of course not require much explanations, I am a health officer, am allowed to have them. This quality is also important in that I got crazy friends; am not of cause mentioning names like T Tolo, msee wa kudishi na shati, EGH Rungu who might leave their smelling training gear in the house from time to time.

She must also possess basic knowledge in agriculture especially farming. My mama may be a health worker but if you probably ask her what she does she’ll mention to you that she is a farmer. She sees no reason for example why she needs to buy her groceries or breakfast from the market when the soil can easily give her the greenest of apoth or the sweet potatoes for breakfast. Grey hair and a rich man’s disease are fast catching with up with her right now so the successful applicant should definitely know what season to plant maize, what crop does better in what soil. Overall, she should be committed to the vision of establishing the house of Mzee Varaq as a bread basket not just for the sake of consumption domestically but also for feeding my people.

I am presenting these submissions to my old man and see if these are all the qualities he desires in a daughter in law. The preliminary reaction however doesn’t seem pleasing and am afraid that some more qualities need to be added to continue with the royal lineage of Ouko son of Aseda, son of Okombo, son of Alwanda, son of Ong’ondo, son of Midumbi, son of Njoga, son of Ochich, son of Onuong’a, son of Sipul, son of Ochuonyo, the father of Rachuonyo District. I could have gone on and show you where in the chain am related to Obeez and Baba, but that’s story for another day.