Why food may not sometimes be man's best friend

As I might have mentioned here before, of all my friends, associates and groups that am part of, there’s none that just fills me up with so much merry, ire, shock and trouble in equal measure like the Vultures Hockey Team. They are more than a just a team, more like a family. Not your normal family of course but just one crazy, crazy family. Let’s just say that while you can introduce your girl to your bros it won’t be a very good idea to bring that girl that you are still ‘swallowing saliva’ for before she processes your request and confirms your relationship by giving you ‘something’. In this team everybody is famous for something; T Matolo for his rungu, Allan the sex god, Baro yule wa kukula ugali ya fifty na skuma ya 5 bob, Maina Mwangi aka Mwizi Kamili, Juma Juma the slayer of virgins, Shakes the rasta among several others with such dark accolades.

Being a member of this team opens one’s mind to the realm of limitless possibilities. This is the place where weird is normal and strange is familiar, where vice is honored and virtue scoffed upon, where good morals are spurned and wickedness celebrated. Apart from beating teams locally and internationally on the pitch like they normally do every match day, this team is known as the noise makers of campus. 

As you might be aware, Friday was Kenyatta University’s 34^th graduation ceremony and every time there’s a graduation trust me there’s always a Vulture or a Vulturess graduating with first class, or second class upper, or …….don’t tell me u were expecting me to go on. Apart from the exploits on the hockey pitch, we also have big brains though at times some of the methods of getting these good grades might not please the university senate. That’s why in induction, an infant vulture will always be urged to remember two important rules:

1. Never to get caught

And since getting into trouble is all they do, there’s always a chance of getting caught and that’s why rule no 2

2. Never to accept the charges, if you get caught

If there’s one thing this community knows how to do best is to party and so on Friday a team of over twenty party animals ascended to the hills of Ngong for Nana’s graduation party. Now Nana is one of KU’s oldest players having played for the ladies team for over six years. If you thinking she stayed long because of retakes you couldn’t be more wrong. You must know that completing a high profile course like computer engineering takes some time.

The expected departure time from KU to Ngong was 1700 hours but it wasn’t until 1900 hours that we left. There was this FIFA tournament that just had to be concluded to determine once for all who was the greatest at the game. The losers of course dared the winner to a game of real football claiming that there was referee bias or something. Can there be really referee bias in a preinstalled computer game? What happened to accepting and moving on? Oh, mwanaume ni kukataa.

Now as you might have noticed dealing with people who each claim the right to intelligence and intellectual prowess can be pretty difficult. Dealing with a wise vulture is even more difficult. But anybody’s worse nightmare is a drunk Vulture. We of course had to spend a lot of time at the gate arguing between going direct to town, going through Githu city and connecting to town, crossing to the other side of the flyover and waiting for a bus from Meru or Thika to town or walking to Kahawa and taking a mat to Githu city or town. I never realized that being a student on a post modern university on a superhighway presented one with so many boarding opportunities.

Each side had to present their compelling arguments like cost, comfort, space for the whole crew among others. Of course the people on the side of alcohol always win. The team decided to do Githu since it was practically impossible to get to town and grab some mzingas before the 2015 deadline for drinks purchase in Nakumatt. (If you were in the dark you informed now courtesy of the vultures) .The guys were disappointed when upon getting to Githu city’s Kassmatt they were told the supermarket doesn’t stock alcoholic beverages. Of course I knew that from the start, Mzee Varaq knows everything. So why didn’t I inform them? I think I did, it must have been absorbed in the chorus of the argument. Besides why would I insist if it would mean I get to sit next to this beautiful girl and ‘throw lines’ till Githu? After all si mwanaume ni kujaribu?

With this latest development the group had to rethink fast. Once again as is expected all the wise men had something to say. And true to my selfish nature I had to fuel this standoff. It would of course give me the much needed extra minutes to summarize my plea for babeship. As is the ritual again we took time to decide which bus was the best. Some of the things that were looked into included -number plate-KBE going backwards was considered old, the music system installed the visual appeal, the graffiti and many other sources of concern. To cut a long story short it wasn’t until about 2100 hours that we finally got town .We left for Ngong but not before grabbing some drinks for the road in some dungeons in downtown Luthuli and deliberating for some time whether to board the matatus in Kencom stage or railways. I think the Kencom people lost and I say so because we found ourselves at railways .John Peeuss formally John Omsa wa Ingotse Boys got lost in the middle of the town and we had to look for him manually as he kept saying he was in this building written Tuskys. No one would of course tell him that there are several Tuskys in Nairobi because John is not a very cordial fellow when intoxicated.

I know am almost getting to the one thousand word mark and I haven’t told you anything about the party yet. However, I just have to finish the journey and I’ll tell you why Nana Graduation Party would probably be in contention for the party of the year in a while.

Because we dint feel in the mood to mingle, we took the matatu that was last in the queue after agreeing with the driver to pay 60 bob per head. However the conductor couldn’t take our word for it and decided to add passengers in the bus despite our assurance that we would pay for the empty seats …….when we got to where we were going. The distrust must have been so much that he wanted to take our fare first hand. This act of bad faith made us alight and incite the other passengers too. We were more than willing to pay forty bob more in the second matatu. After all such coins could only create cracks and holes in my expensive Chino trousers pocket. And this time even Maina Mwangi and the other Kikuyu didn’t protest.

At times we forget that we are alone and talk, shout, chide each other, chant profanities and act in many ways that would not be accepted even by trendiest pastors ;even those who visit Koinange and repeat their MPESA numbers three time while reading the bible verses just once. Am sure the other passengers must have heaved an audible sigh of relief when we finally got to our destination and left the travelers to enjoy some moments of tranquility.

I won’t tell you of how we almost beat some police men in plain clothes silly for showing up and ordering us to reduce the decibels of noise being emitted from the ten by ten room. I won’t tell you why spin the bottle, truth or dare game is not my favorite for the time being .The probability of kissing that one girl who makes your stomach turn to the one that makes your heart heavier is about 20:1. I won’t tell you how much damage was caused especially in terms of broken beds and strained relationships with landlord and neighbors. We will however meet soon to find ways of ensuring that the good relationship with the landlord is restored. You should know we are pretty persuasive people.

There’s however one lesson that we learnt the hard way that I just had to share with you. Even for those with experience in ugali affairs, there’s a limit the human stomach can take. John Peeus will tell you that whereas it is justice to insert ugali tano and mboga ya five bob ,consuming a tray of ugali, a plate of pilau, a dish of stew ,a dozen pieces of chapati, an entire limb of a goat would be severe injustice.

mwanamme ni ugali

As the night worn off and people decided to catch some sleep ahead of the league match ,there were the familiar chorus of mwaahs, the hushed  whispers of the sex god asking someone to let him in, the  loud snores of tired men and women as they slept and another sound that I couldn’t figure out yet. But as the strong pungent smell flouted around the tiny room it became clear that the noise was the muzzled sound of farting from Omsa’s corner. And wait, he wasn’t alone, there was this lady too whose name I will withhold as there’s nothing as scary to a brave vulture like a pissed of Vulturess.

As it turned out they were in sync with the former base and the latter alto

Peeeus, Brrrrr

Peeeus, Brrrrr

The melody would have been music to the ears had it not been for the toxicity of their emissions.

I won’t write more, I have friends to win back after as soon as I press the POST button.

Peeeus, Brrrrrrrr

Peeeusssssssssssss, Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr