Open Letter to Vultures Fans

By now you might have heard the rumors that I made a big dollar move across the city rivals. I don’t know why this didn’t make news. I don’t know why Sky sports, the Sun, BBC Sports ,Goal.com and other members of the international press did not splash the news of my mega move. Come on people, I made a move, from KU Vultures to Thika Rovers Hockey Club. You can’t say it wasn’t announced. Thika Rovers announced it on their WhatsApp group. What is wrong with you? Didn’t you report it when Van Persie moved from Arsenal to Mwanitesa United? Haven’t you been serializing some of the most shocking and controversial transfers? Moving from Vultures to Thika Rovers is a big move. It’s like a guy moving from Manchester United to Manchester City or vice versa. You see, am gravely disappointed in you. I understand, from the news on KTN and NTV, that Duale abused somebody’s mother and they had to report that. As for Citizen TV, they felt that the sex for water story was more compelling. And I get that. The other major media station may not like it, because of my name; which betrays me. That again, I would understand. But you?

Ok, the move was a free transfer now that my contract with the vultures was over. But it was still a move bwana. Do you know the number of gold, silver and bronze medals that have been kissed by my mouth before gracing my neck since my JAB sponsored move in the summer of 2010? Didn’t you see me in Tanzania being awarded my silver for being an integral part of the second best hockey team in East Africa? The guys who got the gold were not any better, they were just lighter. Their melanin deflected some of the scorching heat of the sun. Wait, actually the organizers of the event promised to send us the medals later via bus. Tanzania is far, the medals are still coming; a year later. Maybe then you will report  my big move.

It’s not so hard doing a news item and running several commentaries about my move. Half of your commentators can say the move is not the best thing in my career and the rest will say it was time to move. Then, you will share the stories and people in Sri Lanka and Malaysia will comment. Don’t give me that excuse of your writers are busy. Busy doing what? Telling us that Christiano Ronaldo is unhappy? Really? Even here back home Biko Zulu is unhappy, the Migori governor is unhappy, Duale is unhappy;unhappy about Rutto's mother.....

Be that as it may not, I can volunteer to write my story. It’s not so hard describing a guy whose accomplishments are in the public domain. Look at this sample…………….

Versatile Kenyatta university leftback has made the dreaded move across River Chania from the reigning Nairobi champions to the reigning Thika Champions for an undisclosed fee. The robust and experienced player who was long expected to move to the premier league outfit Park Road Hockey Club backed out of the move after failing to agree terms with the Ngara Based Outfit. Mzee Varaq nicknamed Shaolin by the Vultures supporters for his swift and scrumptious tackles and his heroics in the short corner defence is expected to play his first match at the City Park National Stadium on Saturday 20th September at 1600hrs to a packed audience.

In making the cross, the player was motivated by the reunion with Mzee Byudeh his partner in crime for over decade at Maseno School and at the city champions. The player who will now undergo a massive pay cut because of the Thika Champions wage policy is not perturbed by the great expectations facing him after his shirts were sold out in major supermarkets across Thika, Githurai, Kimbo, Kenyatta University and Nairobi. Other towns such as Oyugis, his hometown, have witnessed several schools, Kinyozis ,churches and drinking dens named  in his honour.

Look at that CNN. Was that so hard?

Then you interview my high school coach Mr. Odayo who will re-emphasize his belief in me and how am among the best defenders he’s ever seen. You can also proceed to interview Mr. Onyango, one of the best coaches I have ever played for or my captain John Omsakhulu. They will tell you that they are sad to see me go but that the great team will move on. If that isn’t enough for you, you can interview the one eyed man and Matolo. The former will tell you of my unquestionable decision making skills from my seat as a Njuri Ncheke judge sitting from Wambogo’s joint. The latter will tell you of my superior mental strength. Even when the Busitema ladies screamed at the sheer sight of his ‘Rungu’, I didn’t, I didn't get depressed considering that mine was a big sick joke.

Unlike you, some of us are professionals. And as a professional I know, just like all those big soccer stars, I have to write a farewell letter to the vulture’s fans.

tan ki shakti..............man ki shakti

Dear Vultures fans,

I know you are sad to know that I will no longer be galloping on that left side or rushing for that short corner. It breaks my heart more than you can ever imagine that I will no longer be able to see ‘short ya Jedi’ or all those 'kamaturu' every game day or get over 22 long hugs from Titans before, during and after games. It makes me cry that I will no longer be able to abuse my team-mates with pure impunity and still see the smile on their faces. I will miss that. I will miss the jeers and taunts directed at our opponents, I will miss signing your autographs.

To my old team-mates, you guys are more than brothers to me. You are people I could rely on to always come through. Yes, we had a few problems mostly ‘kuallano’ each other, but it wasn’t in bad faith. We just loved each other so much, we shared everything; including them. That's why we shared one hotel room for the over 18 of us. (It's a shame that Dabuz still exiled us during such hard times). Such bonds can never be broken. While I’ll be wearing the black and the green, my heart will always be red, my blood will always be red and Santiago de Vultures will always remain my true North. You got this, do what you do best, winning in and out of Nairobi, in and out of the pitch.

From my captains Muchu to Mnyama to Juma to Omsakhulu thank you for making me a part of your match sheets. Mnyama, even though under you I played the least matches, I understand. You couldn't play me just because you are afraid she would have been mesmerized by my skills and leave you. I understand.

To my coach, your team talks were always on point and encouraging. I remember you always had something to say. Whether you would assure us of unlimited supply of chicken to accept meagre  allowance while going to Eldoret or assuring us of unlimited beer while struggling against Strathmore in the Nairobi Cup or for asking us to smell our balls when were trailing at home. It always worked. You inspired, you made us believe more, you made us want more. Your wife, our mother, even though some of the bad players like Pompo had sinister moves, was very warm and nurturing.

How could I forget the team doctors? The crazy and confused Nyangwara who gave us deep heat to spray on fresh open wounds or the curvaceous and humongous Maggie who made us feign injuries just so that her soft hands could caress our bodies. We even looked forward to the cork hitting our cocks just so you would massage us there.

Who haven’t I mentioned?

Yes, To Wambogo the team's official keg guy.............till we meet .........

To my new team-mates, smile; smile broadly . Your problems are over. Mzee Varaq is here!

Just one more thing, Wasike (not you baba twins), I'll be leading a strong delegation to Mombasa soon . Don't get ahead of yourself, we won't be coming to apologize. We will be coming to finish the job. Be very scared, be very very scared.

Long Live Vultures, Long Live Njuri Ncheke!

Yours always,

Signed

Mzee Varaq,

Judge, Njuri Ncheke