Eva my Love

Let’s get it over with, shall we? Was it real?  Was it fictional? That’s what most of you have been asking me since  Fare Thee Well

It was. Nyambura left. 

To be with daddy (not the one in heaven).

You can imagine my mentor’s utter disappointment in my inability to keep my girl of two weeks. He says that all the coaching and tactics he gave me have gone to waste. He has given me an ultimatum. Two weeks to either get back my girl or get somebody else, anybody.

I don’t want her back. It’s Eva that I want now.

You should see Eva; she’s a true African woman. She is well fed. Her behind can carry a child without support. Her front is all the pillow I need in life. ‘They’ are the therapy I need. Imagine after a hard day’s work and burying my head between her two milk shakers.

I will gladly go without watching the world cup for the next four years. If only she’ll let me.

So I asked her to be my happily ever after. She smiled. Actually she laughed.

You know how it is with WhatsApp. You cannot tell whether she’s happy, thinks you are funny or just plain clueless in the art of seduction.

To cut a long story short, she asked me to tell her my agenda. What I really want from her. What I will do to her. Sorry, with her. Sorry, for her.

To Eva my love, here is my manifesto.

my campaign posters are out

When I become the president of your republic, I will ensure national dialogue, at all times.

I will talk to you about anything, even the IEBC, while drinking anything, even tea.

Eva my love, I promise to tour every region of your vast African body. Of course my headquarters will be in the central province of your body but I will go inspect development projects up north and down south.

I will tour your western region and your eastern region, and then I’ll come back to your headquarters. I will camp there, launch several projects there, but I promise, I won’t forget the other regions that did vote for me too.

In my government, insecurity will be a distant memory. A story of the old times.

I will protect you. My large arms will act as your security perimeter. Anybody who touches you will have to go through me. Needless to say, they will be electrified. Petrified. Horrified. And you will be glorified. That I’ll do everything; even if it means taking karate lessons.

In my government, you will have protection from harsh climatic conditions. You won’t even notice the cold July upon us. I will share my warmth with you, freely, really, ideally.

My love, I promise to take you on foreign travels and exotic destinations.

We will tour foreign lands and enjoy the perfect scenes of the world.

We will travel overseas. We will go to all the places you’ve only dreamt of. We will go to Nyanza republic. I will take you to Kisumu city; the land of Divock Origi, Barrack Obama and Tom Mboya.

I will take you to Oyugis Town, the land of Adebe, the land of my grandfather Bernadus Okombo Alwanda.

While in Kisumu, you will feel the evening breeze from Lake Victoria flouting the smell of life.

You will watch the sun set over Wire Hills leaving behind exquisite beauty. A beauty so rare you won’t find it anywhere else in the world.

You will watch baby monkeys jump from tree to tree, effortlessly. As if they’ve been doing it all their life.

You will see naked boys jump over from a high bridge into the deep Awach River below while women bathe freely downstream. You will understand where I get my swimming prowess from.

While there I will take you to the best restaurant in the world- Café de Aruji. Forget about Italian dishes. Forget about Chinese. Forget about sushi. I still don’t understand why people would eat raw fish in the name of sophistication.

At café de Aruji’s, you’ll have the best traditional meals. She’ll cook you sweet potatoes, dengu and njugu.

Here you will drink sweet, sour milk served in a destroyer. Destroyers are those huge plastic mugs that you’ll have to be a glutton to finish. Babe, you can drink three destroyers if you may.

At Café de Aruji’s, you will eat fulu with thick soup and inviting aroma; served with huge brown ugali. Ugali so huge Ndivisi Kerre is not able to finish (even if I were to offer him any of my sisters should he defeat the ugali in the battle of death).

You will have food security. She is a farmer. She doesn’t buy maize, she makes maize. 

In my government your constitutional rights to the highest attainable standards of health including reproductive healthcare will be honored (Article 43 (1). Health here refers to your complete sense of well-being and not merely the absence of disease. Recent studies have shown that sex is good for your health, for reducing stress, depression and thereby risk of heart disease.

I won’t let that happen to you. You will be healthy because you will be exercising. A lot. Everywhere. Good exercises. Not those high jumps Jobu got from Moshi Khalsa and made us do.

In my government exercise will be fun, enjoyable, something to look forward to.

Babe, in my government your constitutional right to information will be honored. And what better way to share with you information faster than via USB?

I will serve you without distraction. I will withdraw all my soldiers from Somalia, and bring them home. To serve you, fully, like the queen you are.

If you insist, only if you insist that you want devolution will I devolve some functions to the county governments. Sometimes the work may be too much for you. And that’s why I will take some duties to the counties; less important work like entertainment. You will however retain most government functions. You will retain most of my national budget.

In my government, you will be treated like royalty. My uncle will organize a guard of honor whenever you visit Kotieno. Being a chief, his youths will stand still while you pass.

My former students (I was a teacher babe) will also line the streets of Murram Road and sing, ‘karibu,karibu sana,Kotieno yetu…..hatuna matata’ as you strut across the road like a model glazing through the runway.

The ones with pikipiki will roll wave huge twigs in the air announcing your imminent arrival.

Then my chief will make the ultimate declaration, the road will be named after you, and children will sing your names in Sunday schools and on market days.

To Eva, for Ever,

Yours helplessly and hopelessly in love

Wuod Aruji

In Other News

The Diary of a Jack of all Trades now has a new editor in chief, the lovely Ms Gety.

Expect less red lines, less Luo and definitely more Luhya.