Facebook Etiquette

I have a problem. A major problem with Kenyans. I know it shouldn’t be my problem what a guy does but you cannot accept good old Varaq to look the other side when there’s something he doesn’t like.

No, the problem is not about Jubilee and their apparent lack of direction. It’s not about insecurity or the rebirth of high level graft.

I heard yesterday that the digital government advertised a tender to airlift the president’s speech. Okay. I mean really? Just give me ten percent of the money and I'll fly them using Jumbo jet. That’s if the just have to be airlifted. What happened to good old email? Or better yet Uhunye can just live tweet his speech.

 I also heard that the Uhunye plans to purchase cameras from Safaricom at seven hundred million a piece.

Two things don’t make sense.

I mean why would Uhunye call Safaricom and not let some secretary in Ole Lenku’s office make that order? We thought his clerk duties would end with issuing of title deeds at the coast.

At seven hundred million shillings a piece are the cameras coming fitted with grenade launchers to take away bad people on sight?

But then again that’s not my problem.

That’s Baba’s and now that he’s here and we gave him a comprehensive report (#babawhileyouwereaway) on how Uhunye and the hustler wamekuwa wakitutesa, we hope he’ll address some of this issues.

We expect him not just to dialogue about having a national dialogue but to actually be part of the solution. Like talk to his fellow investors at Keroche to sponsor Gor. This thing of Tusker drinking Kogallo just because we don’t have sponsors is not good for our image. Maybe with Keroche it will be alcohol versus alcohol and we know the cheaper stuff (read Keroche) always win. But hey I’m not here to take about the tribulations of K’ogallo which we will for obvious reasons want Baba to believe are Jubilee government orchestrated.

Again that’s not my problem either.

Sometimes I get on my timeline on Mukuru kwa Zuckerberg and just get surprised, confused, shocked at some of the things you people post. I know I’m no role model when it comes to online presence but c’mon people, vituko zingine zimezidi.

I love God. I may not be the perfect Christian but I know the place of God. Don’t ask me to type Amen to show that I love God. Don’t ask me to share a status and wait for thirty minutes to receive blessings. I'm already blessed. Big time. And I know more blessings are coming and not because I have to type Amen to your status to show I love God.

Don’t post photos of malformed children or share them on my wall and purport to be caring. Those photos of children with three heads or four hands are gruesome and too graphic. We know you want traffic for your site that’s why you’ll ask us if we really care to type 'get well soon'. Of course I love kids. But sharing some of this severely photoshopped pictures and trying to get sympathy doesn’t make you Mother Teresa.

Now that we are still talking about photos. It doesn’t hurt to show a little refrain at scenes of accidents. Fine ,we know the only first aid measure you know is mouth to mouth resuscitation but you can do more than just posting pictures of people in grueling pain and claim you got the scope first. Bloggers can no longer bask in the fact that they are untied by ethical concerns

Still on photos. We know you are beautiful. Very beautiful. But seriously semi nude photos don’t make you a model. If you want to go to Buoart, it’s okay. You are above eighteen. But truth be told people don’t take you seriously when you always skimpily dressed in your photos. It doesn’t help matters if your behind is less than Huddah’s. Team mafisi have her as their SI unit.

I know you’ll get some few hundred likes. Mzee Varaq’s eye will of course like a vulture feast upon your buffet and maybe humour you that you look good.

Don’t send me those messages of 

‘Hi, am angel. I saw your profile from UK. Kindly get in touch with me on these email.

Then you go ahead to say how you are a rich widow.

such stunts may have worked in 1906 when the late chief Ogolla Ayieko officially handed over huge tracts of land to Reverend JJ Willis to start Maseno School but it doesn’t work now. It's not because we don’t love a rich widows.The thing is your grammar is a major turn off in the first place. 

Finish your time, get off Kamiti and maybe learn some good English. Maybe then we would start believing you are from the UK.

I know Facebook asks you what’s on your mind. But this is not an exam. Mark Zuckerberg will not be mad if you fail to answer that question from time to time. Don’t give us a commentary on your life.

Now I’m up

Now I’m eating

Just four days to Friday

Now I’m drinking…..so?

Niko kwa jam…….so?

If you feel your life is that interesting go see a producer and start shooting keeping up with Lllly. Maybe I’ll buy your CDs as my act of charity to the local entertainment scene.

Yes, you broke up with your one true love but you don’t have to go on a tirade the way men are all the same. Yes you think your ex is a loser but you don’t have to assassinate his character on Facebook every time you get especially if we know him. 

Once in a while open your heart to the world. Tell us how you are scared, surprised, angry, happy. Let us share your feelings of betrayal and triumph. But as Asklasen says, do it in moderation. When you flaunt your happiness we start getting jealous and bitter, when you call your ex unprintable names we think lowly of you and thank God he left the bitter drag behind. 

On second thought, don’t stop on my account. I think Facebook would die naturally if not for your fire.

Still on status updates. It’s okay to lie once in a while. I mean everybody nowadays is at JKIA or TRM or Mombasa and you can’t update that you in Forward travelers and the clever driver decided to use some panya routes only to get stuck in the middle of nowhere covered with the sickening stench of meat and piss. 

We understand if you post that your flight got delayed and go on an online crusade to remind good old Kenya Airways to put its house in order or you’ll change to Flight540. Just make sure you are wearing a mask, you are incognito or we won’t meet. 

Ask Morio how it feels to post you are having nyama choma with OCPD Kajiado in Nakuru only for you to be found eating chapatti ndegu in Blessed. Not that there’s anything wrong with chapatti.

You have a right to call yourself whatever pleaseth thee. It’s not my business. It’s not that I’m the name cop. Whether you are Gangster L, or Cupid Johns it doesn’t really matter. I know certain names like Nebucadnezer Makaburi Wanyonyi doesn’t make it easy for you to get a social life. However, it becomes my problem when you inbox me with such a name and your profile picture is probably of Mr. Bean shooting his leg in the air or Octavio and Simona hugging. I watch soaps these days. I’ll tell you why I watch them. Don’t judge me till then.

You cant be starting conversations and waiting for people to be resourceful and keep it when you just ROTMFLAOing and LOLling.

You are not a political analyst. You are not a football pundit. You are not an international relations expert. You are definitely not the great Harry Houdini. So stop behaving like one. Oh Raila will do this. Oh Ruto will do this. Oh Fabregas has joined Chelsea after passing his medicals at the North London Colney where he was received by a jubilant Lois Van Gaal. Mutahi Ngunyi himself is actually shit and he went to school to learn how to know what Baba will do next. 

Another thing not all Luos are uncircumcised. Baba is, I am and over sixty percent of others. So if you want to abuse a community based on a rite of passage at least get your facts right. And yes, not all kikuyus are thieves. The one who stole my laptop yesterday of course is but there are some good ones. Great ones actually. The Wekemeus and the Wanjikus of this world.

Ignorance is never bliss. Those who said it was lied big time. If you see people typing RIP Maya Angoleu you don’t have to if you dint know her. 

It’s really embarrassing when you describe her as a great man whom the world will miss.

Take your time, Google first before you post. You can’t be behaving like Huddah who thinks Paul Walker is Paul Wall.

So to sweetness, Arsenal, Chelsea and Real Madrid will not be in the World Cup.

Now that I’m talking about football, the only part of Cristiano Ronaldo my girl is allowed to comment on are his boots.

Otherwise let’s keep calm and continue stalking our exes.