Mzee Varaq’s Epistle to Fresher’s

So you got to campus last week. You are either clueless about campus life or you think you know what to expect from stories told by friends and the media. Either way you are still naïve and in dire need of direction.

Being in campus is a whole new experience. Those guys from great schools like Maseno where it was illegal to talk to a lady unless she was from a national school will appreciate the new scope of their hunting grounds. It’s common knowledge that girls who have great IQs are not related to Athena, the goddess of beauty in any way.

now fly

Campus is like God putting Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and commanding them to eat everything, everything……, including the forbidden fruit. However as much as there is a pool of fish, getting the right fish for dinner or for keeps is a little difficult.

You know life is already hard the way it is. It’s even harder without an older brother to guide you, to show you the path unto destruction and to teach you of the evil genius ways of campus.

Don’t worry, that’s why you have me.

For any guy in campus there are essential life commodities that one cannot live without. I know for a real Luhya from Westy, the coil is the first thing on the list. The coil has numerous functions. It can be used to cook tea, ugali and boil githeri. The coil can be used to keep warm on those freezing July nights that you feel the chill to the bone marrow. 

The coil is a status symbol. It shows those who visit you that you are coping well. That you are able. I think I need to stop this habit of thinking in Luo and translating.

The coil is a conversation starter. In fact it’s a pick up line I’ve used before with positive results.

“Hey, how about I cook you supper”

One advantage of using that line is that you obviously save a lot and you can always wow her with your impressive culinary skills. It actually works when you’ve spent a few days watching Masterchef USA and Hell’s kitchen. If cooking isn’t your strong points you can ask an expert to cook for you early before kicking them out lest he steals your thunder from right under your feet. We won’t want now that, would we?

It doesn’t hurt if you have a laptop. Just like the coil, a laptop is essential for any campus guy. For starters it is also status symbol. Let’s face it if you can buy a laptop it means you can buy chocolate, ice cream or teddy bear. The laptop is important for doing the take aways. I'm still talking about assignments here not the other take away. Ile ya chipo funga.

I remember in first year we used to have access to one computer. This computer was Jaduon’g Thuol’s. Thuol in Luopean means snake. A snake is long. Buzinga you got it.

The laptop was rarely in the room as the borrowing list started in Usambara Hostels all the way to Nyayo Hostels and beyond. So when we finally had access, it was on the deadline day for submission of takeaway CATS. You would think that meant panic. Not for us. In the dead of the night we did our five page assignments and Mchil was just too glad to type my assignment, Mwita's and his. I won’t forgive him for making me that lazy in school.

A laptop means that you can invite nani over for a movie. Morio will tell you that sometimes you don’t have to ‘throw lines’ to get a girl. A good romantic movie may just be your pulley. Doing all the hard work for you.

A laptop means that you able to cyber stalk interesting people and know where they live or even if you are lucky their phone numbers. That’s gathering crucial intelligence and not stalking as some of you may erroneously refer to it. The government actually recommends knowing your neighbor in these hard moments of terror and insecurity.

Another essential stuff is a TV. By TV I’m not referring to those cathode ray television sets that have a huge pyramid back, consume space and can’t operate without direct power. No, a TV set means a TV card fitted into a laptop. Isn’t technology a great thing? So why the TV? It’s not about movies because VLC media player can actually do that job well.

 A TV is for soap operas. Wait, hear me out. I’m not recommending that you start watching Alejandro and Ellena to know how to love. Personally I think those gestures are a little bit grandiose and too much exaggerated. They are what my high school deputy Principal Mr Boaz Adit would refer to as killing a fly using a sledge hammer.

The soap opera is not for you silly. It’s for her. See if there’s anything that this women religiously follow apart from the latest fashion trends, soaps are it.

It won’t hurt your course if you have juice and biscuits for the watching party. Matolo has groundnuts.

However, the mother of all necessities is a music system. The importance of this gadget can never be exaggerated. If you stand in any gate of these institutions of higher learning when HELB does something for the first time you’ll know that what I’m saying is true. You’ll see men in boxes struggling from the main gate knowing that their sweat will pay off. You won’t actually see ladies carrying woofers on their heads. That’s what men are for. You buy the woofer even before you buy the bedding or even the coil. It’s not because music can’t wait, it’s actually because life can’t wait.

A woofer is a strong way to fight with your neighbor without actually fighting. It’s one important way of gaining respect. Street respect. After all there can be only one king in the block, right? This war is actually won by the guy who plays the loudest music. I know you are wondering how this gadgets are bought in the same place for similar prices yet their volumes differ. No they don’t. To actually be the king of the block you have to be tough and practice your mean look. That no nonsense, insensitive, scary look that makes those who came to ask you to please lower the volume to ask for cooking salt instead. I  actually envy Vampizzo, he can effortlessly pull of that 'NINI!' look even in the morning before he has taken his daily dose of weed. I hope you still don’t know what weed is.

The woofer is one way of sending political messages and actually trying to prove which tribe has the bigger balls. I remember in first year there’s this guy who used to play Mike Rua songs from very early in the morning. I have nothing against Mike Rua. In fact I used to like his mugithi songs before. But imagine at eight when you on your millionth dream and this guy wakes you up with the booming of his stereo base. Naturally your first reaction is to take the vegetable knife, walk over his room and stab him one and for all. I mean that’s the only way you’d get eternal peace. However, such are times when you need to listen to the Machiavelli inside you. In reciprocation you play Musa Juma at hundred percent volume. Musa Juma never felt that great to listen to.

That didn't usually end the conflict so you’d quickly prepare and leave the room with the music full blast and go for classes in Ruiru Campus. Needless to say when you came back in the evening, the whole block would have crammed a few lines from Musa Juma and learnt some basic Luo. Consider that my gift to society.

Needless to say, there won’t be more Mike Rua music in the morning.

With time though you get to have a volume limit and thus easy coexistence.

Have you ever watched legend of the seeker with the base of your music system on? You should try. You’ll remember every word of the great wizard zedeccus Zorrander. You’ll learn how to issue threats. How to be taken seriously. A solid standing will be crucial for the rest of your years in campus.

But that’s not the best use of the woofer either. Morio will tell you that sometimes there are funny noises or some graphic scenes that should not be seen or heard. We all know when you come to see me in my future psychiatric practice I'll charge you a lot. That’s why when you hear loud music playing and curtains closed in the middle of the day, please don’t knock or even attempt to peep. When you get to third year and still unaware of what goes on behind the closed doors please feel free to ask me then.

Away from that, the greatest assets you’ll need to survive in campus are great friends. People who will be there for you when you need them. People who will make fun of you and harden you. People who will accept to go for exiles in the middle of the night when some fairy princess finally says yes and you are afraid she might change her mind in the morning. People who will lie for you to help you escape scorned women who may wish to splash steaming hot water on your face for crimes of passion. People who will advice you that it’s better to play hockey at five pm instead of going to class. People who will let you copy their assignments word for word and accept to have half marks.

You’ll need this people that will drink keg Guinness with you on Monday, people who will inspire you to reach for greatness. Literally.

Hey, don’t take me seriously.

Welcome to life unlimited.