where art thou my bride?

Majority of KOT are pissed at HELB and you by now know it’s coz they decided to send mass texts to loan defaulters, including Mzee Varaq urging them, sorry threatening them to repay their outstanding HELB loans. Nothing wrong with the text you might argue. See, HELB has not finished paying me for passing my KCSE with flying colours. It’s also especially wrong because majority of us are still waiting for Safaricom to tetemesha us after years and years of loyalty, not even when yu to yu calls were free. 

However, they did do a good job in reminding me that my days in Kenyatta University could be coming to an end. It’s funny how time flies; just the other day my mum was helping me to park and advising me to avoid the man eaters that roam around the Sodom and Gomorrahs of today maiming innocent boys ,teaching them wicked ways and misleading them. Looking at myself now I know some mother somewhere must be warning her daughters against people like me.

This HELB incident however has reminded just how much I need to clean my house and be ready to face the outside world-a journey am not willing, not unable, just unwilling to take alone. It would thus be a great shame if I left this institution of higher learning without my ‘yours truly’. It is very clear even to those of average mind that all ladies of all variety, tall and short, slim and plum, the wise to the not so wise, the jumpy jumpy fake American accents to the indigenous Bukusu tongue, young and old………….name it, you got it here. Am not of course suggesting that the motto of the university be changed from Elimu ni Nguvu to all under one roof, or you need, we’ve got it. All am saying is that you won’t find me or my people on Thika road protesting about the motto change. In KU, one can always raise the bar to the highest degree in terms of the bare minimum qualities required and get away with it. Unofficial studies also reveal that this campus has the most beautiful ladies and a leisure walk from the main gate to the Post Modern Library can easily confirm this.

As is my nature and my deep appreciation for inclusiveness, transparency and accountability, I wish to hereby advertise for the position of First Lady to the Varaq Empire.

As I might have mentioned here before of course there are several qualities that the office of Mzee Varaq will not even talk about. These qualities are in public records and any suitable candidate for the aforementioned position should possess these very vital pointers. Anyway for the sake of adding prose I’ll quickly mention them .A strong K’Ogalo Defense Forces is not negotiable and so is a firm KCC that can dispense lactose at the highest of pressures. She must of course accept that baba truly is the father of democracy in Kenya and Africa and that baba ni safi kama sufu. Her culinary skills should not be in disrepute. My mama’s ugali has the aroma of burning cracks and so should any ugali the prospective candidate plans to put on my table. She should also know how to shake what her mama gave her well. How else would she be able to fit in national holidays and state events such as the Ramogi Night? And of course it would be a great shame to the house of Varaq if Ragen’s okuyu can do better. These are basic qualities that any candidate vying must have, hakuna njia ingine.

In any serious interview, the participants pay some non refundable amount as interview fee. Mzee Varaq will however not ask for the payment in monetary form. The applicant must be able to show goodwill by ‘bringing kionjo’ before the interview. My right hand man, Jaduon’g Mano agrees with me totally and even explains that it is only through this processes that applicants desire to go over and above their job description, enthusiasm and a calling for duty can be assessed. Serious candidates should however know that this process will be done within existing sexual and reproductive health rights policies available in the land and that their good heartedness will not be taken for granted. However, this measure does not guarantee automatic qualification to the second round of the interview.

The applicant needs to demonstrate to the panel their open mindedness. She should have the capability and willingness to cook for unannounced guests whenever they drop in. My grandfather, the late Bernadus Alwanda used to tell me that people eat with their names. This direct translation simply means that a good name provides you with honor in other people’s homes. The applicant should thus ensure the name of Mzee Varaq remains high and what better way than to feed his people? The applicants open mindedness need not be overemphasized because due to the nature of my work things like used CDs can easily be in my pockets. This will of course not require much explanations, I am a health officer, am allowed to have them. This quality is also important in that I got crazy friends; am not of cause mentioning names like T Tolo, msee wa kudishi na shati, EGH Rungu who might leave their smelling training gear in the house from time to time.

She must also possess basic knowledge in agriculture especially farming. My mama may be a health worker but if you probably ask her what she does she’ll mention to you that she is a farmer. She sees no reason for example why she needs to buy her groceries or breakfast from the market when the soil can easily give her the greenest of apoth or the sweet potatoes for breakfast. Grey hair and a rich man’s disease are fast  catching with up with her right now so the successful applicant should definitely know what season to plant maize, what crop does better in what soil. Overall, she should be committed to the vision of establishing the house of Mzee Varaq as a bread basket not just for the sake of consumption domestically but also for feeding my people.

I am presenting these submissions to my old man and see if these are all the qualities he desires in a daughter in law. The preliminary reaction however doesn’t seem pleasing and am afraid that some more qualities need to be added to continue with the royal lineage of Ouko son of Aseda, son of Okombo, son of Alwanda, son of Ong’ondo, son of Midumbi, son of Njoga, son of Ochich, son of Onuong’a, son of Sipul, son of Ochuonyo, the father of Rachuonyo District. I could have gone on and show you where in the chain am related to Obeez and Baba, but that’s story for another day.