Majority of KOT are pissed at
HELB and you by now know it’s coz they decided to send mass texts to loan
defaulters, including Mzee Varaq urging them, sorry threatening them to repay
their outstanding HELB loans. Nothing wrong with the text you might argue. See,
HELB has not finished paying me for passing my KCSE with flying colours. It’s
also especially wrong because majority of us are still waiting for Safaricom to
tetemesha us after years and years of loyalty, not even when yu to yu calls
were free.
However, they did do a good job
in reminding me that my days in Kenyatta University could be coming to an end.
It’s funny how time flies; just the other day my mum was helping me to park and
advising me to avoid the man eaters that roam around the Sodom and Gomorrahs of
today maiming innocent boys ,teaching them wicked ways and misleading them.
Looking at myself now I know some mother somewhere must be warning her
daughters against people like me.
This HELB incident however has
reminded just how much I need to clean my house and be ready to face the
outside world-a journey am not willing, not unable, just unwilling to take alone.
It would thus be a great shame if I left this institution of higher learning
without my ‘yours truly’. It is very clear even to those of average mind that
all ladies of all variety, tall and short, slim and plum, the wise to the not
so wise, the jumpy jumpy fake American accents to the indigenous Bukusu tongue,
young and old………….name it, you got it here. Am not of course suggesting that the
motto of the university be changed from Elimu ni Nguvu to all under one roof,
or you need, we’ve got it. All am saying is that you won’t find me or my people
on Thika road protesting about the motto change. In KU, one can always raise
the bar to the highest degree in terms of the bare minimum qualities required
and get away with it. Unofficial studies also reveal that this campus has the
most beautiful ladies and a leisure walk from the main gate to the Post Modern
Library can easily confirm this.
As is my nature and my deep
appreciation for inclusiveness, transparency and accountability, I wish to
hereby advertise for the position of First Lady to the Varaq Empire.
As I might have mentioned here
before of course there are several qualities that the office of Mzee Varaq will
not even talk about. These qualities are in public records and any suitable
candidate for the aforementioned position should possess these very vital pointers.
Anyway for the sake of adding prose I’ll quickly mention them .A strong K’Ogalo
Defense Forces is not negotiable and so is a firm KCC that can dispense lactose
at the highest of pressures. She must of course accept that baba truly is the
father of democracy in Kenya and Africa and that baba ni safi kama sufu. Her
culinary skills should not be in disrepute. My mama’s ugali has the aroma of
burning cracks and so should any ugali the prospective candidate plans to put
on my table. She should also know how to shake what her mama gave her well. How
else would she be able to fit in national holidays and state events such as the
Ramogi Night? And of course it would be a great shame to the house of Varaq if
Ragen’s okuyu can do better. These are basic qualities that any candidate vying
must have, hakuna njia ingine.
In any serious interview, the
participants pay some non refundable amount as interview fee. Mzee Varaq will
however not ask for the payment in monetary form. The applicant must be able to
show goodwill by ‘bringing kionjo’ before the interview. My right hand man,
Jaduon’g Mano agrees with me totally and even explains that it is only through
this processes that applicants desire to go over and above their job description,
enthusiasm and a calling for duty can be assessed. Serious candidates should however
know that this process will be done within existing sexual and reproductive
health rights policies available in the land and that their good heartedness
will not be taken for granted. However, this measure does not guarantee
automatic qualification to the second round of the interview.
The applicant needs to
demonstrate to the panel their open mindedness. She should have the capability
and willingness to cook for unannounced guests whenever they drop in. My grandfather,
the late Bernadus Alwanda used to tell me that people eat with their names.
This direct translation simply means that a good name provides you with honor
in other people’s homes. The applicant should thus ensure the name of Mzee Varaq
remains high and what better way than to feed his people? The applicants open
mindedness need not be overemphasized because due to the nature of my work
things like used CDs can easily be in my pockets. This will of course not
require much explanations, I am a health officer, am allowed to have them. This
quality is also important in that I got crazy friends; am not of cause
mentioning names like T Tolo, msee wa kudishi na shati, EGH Rungu who might
leave their smelling training gear in the house from time to time.
She must also possess basic
knowledge in agriculture especially farming. My mama may be a health worker but
if you probably ask her what she does she’ll mention to you that she is a farmer.
She sees no reason for example why she needs to buy her groceries or breakfast
from the market when the soil can easily give her the greenest of apoth
or the sweet potatoes for breakfast. Grey hair and a rich man’s disease are
fast catching with up with her right now
so the successful applicant should definitely know what season to plant maize,
what crop does better in what soil. Overall, she should be committed to the
vision of establishing the house of Mzee Varaq as a bread basket not just for
the sake of consumption domestically but also for feeding my people.
I am presenting these submissions
to my old man and see if these are all the qualities he desires in a daughter
in law. The preliminary reaction however doesn’t seem pleasing and am afraid
that some more qualities need to be added to continue with the royal lineage of
Ouko son of Aseda, son of Okombo, son of Alwanda, son of Ong’ondo, son of
Midumbi, son of Njoga, son of Ochich, son of Onuong’a, son of Sipul, son of
Ochuonyo, the father of Rachuonyo District. I could have gone on and show you
where in the chain am related to Obeez and Baba, but that’s story for another
day.
