Room 13

If there’s a room that will remain eked in my memory for the longest of times then room 13 of New Seven Stars, Nyeri would be it. Am not of course putting down room 235 Mabibo Hostel, Dar Es Salaam University or a room in KU sharing the same number. I won’t of course say where knowing too well that you guys pay your semesterly subscription fees to #teammafisi. I wont talk about that Mabibo story since it taught me kuishi in Dar. People say ‘omera this is Nairobi’ but I think the residents of Dar with all of their ustaarabu should be given much more respect.

Am not of course saying that Mwas wa Ngara or Oti wa Gaza is any less of a threat but as opposed to the sheer militant nature of Nairobi criminals, the Dar ones are like the rat that licks you and soothes you before biting you and soothing you again especially if you ate Kamongo and refused to wash your hands. I know wherever he is my grandfather is glad am doing a good job of educating people on the various diverse types of fish that are readily available in Kisumo International City(soon not Kenya).

Back to Seven Stars, it’s not such a posh hotel; in fact compared to others it cannot fit the profile of a Luopean resident for a week. For that I wish to say sorry to my community who expects a lot from their son. In my defense however I wish to restate that after hanging around with Wekemeu a lot am kinda getting influenced negatively. Am looking into the terms of our association and if it causes more friction with my Luopean calling you can be sure who’s going to be sacrificed.It's not like the hotel was that bad, to their credit they had hot water and I know my friend Ragen  aka baba aka jakom aka thura aka Jaghetto aka mtaka yote would not forgive me if I didn’t mention that they had stunning Nyeri women who served as waiters.

 If I were to use basic anatomy I would describe them as fully rounded in the regions proximal to the pelvic girdle, contrary to popular belief that great ventral view is only restricted to Adhis and ilk. These ladies local shilling could compete favorably against the Kisumunian dollar. Needless to say, that extra responsibility behind needed a firm dorsal load around areas proximal to the chest area  to sustain internal body balance  .Lest I overdo and lose my loyal readers  who only draw graphs and analyze them for 70 marks, I will stop there.On second thought maybe I should say it in a jargon they understand best; they had the perfect curve. For the record I dint mention the economics people, I don’t want to lose that vote rich constituency when I'll be vying for Sec Gen next semester.

If you ask any random 500 students who have been to Nyeri courtesy of Kenyatta University, about 95% of them would not want to go back there. While they may differ in the reasons advanced, they are in consensus that Nyeri town is expensive in terms of accommodation, the food is too average, the weather is very erratic and unreliable-you can’t even rely on the weather forecast on your Smartphone to predict whether it’s going to rain or the sun is going to come out guns blazing, the streets are filled with death merchants in the form of careless pikipiki drivers who flout every ink of traffic rules, they got no serious supermarkets like some city I know just to mention but a few of the problems it poses to local tourists. 

If you asked me last year whether I wanted to go to Nyeri again you could have probably gotten a flat no and even more bulkier explanations than the ones listed above .Ask me today and I would embrace the opportunity with gusto. In case Matolo is reading this gusto doesn’t have anything in common with Justo the vulture. 

It’s not that the accommodation rates suddenly got waived by the Jubilee government or Mama Oliech gave them some basic culinary lessons in the preparation of fish, or the raw pikipiki drivers finally went to Heltz and miraculously got the much needed safety knowledge. It’s not even that baba finally decided to open a franchise of Kisumu Mattresses in this town to give the Kasturis and the Mathais that close their doors at 1830 hours a run for their money.

By now you must be wondering what could have redeemed this city, sorry town in a matter of months. It’s Soko Mjinga! This market like the name suggests reduces you to a foolish person literally. Foolish in the sense that it’s addictive, you go there for no apparent reason. All you needed is someone to say,”twende Soko Mjinga” and just like that you are off. The say all kinds of wares and for those of us who haggling is a hobby we had a field day especially after hours of posing serious  research questions to respondents who consider Kiswahili a foreign language. My most famous conquest would be to talk down the price of a leather belt from the 1500 to 300.I hope you’ll understand if I don’t mention the currency just so that I don’t irk my community any  further.

But one thing that am more likely to remember with Soko Mjinga is the idea that it gave me that I can be a ladies bag model. Sounds funny right? You can ask Cindy or Mercy or KUCU mum, they’ll tell you am good at that job. Just in case this degree thing doesn’t work out I know Gucci, not the person, Louis Vuitton and other serious fashion houses would be greatly honored to have me. Am sure even Mchil who previously was the tougher man, if he ever got time away from his official Inda business to review his hobbies in his CV, I won't  be surprised if he would include shopping. I can see that face.Yea, I know, soko Mjinga has that effect on people.

varaq the bag model

Another reason why I would fondly remember Nyeri is club kickers. It’s not what you think. We went there purely for serious health research. I had to put that at the very beginning, just for the record, just in case my pastor is reading this. The truth is that karaoke has never been this fun. It reminded me of those Westlife songs we used to sing along to with my sister Elvira. I remember singing from coast to coast word by wide without looking at the teleprompter. Trust my super brain to recall that for that long. As you can see am a multitalented guy. Maybe I should be a singer, what can be so heard about it especially if you are backed with such a smooth soprano voice for singing and a deep masculine base for talking? If you are a doubting Thomas again you can ask the aforementioned people and this time include Octo…..Joh...and his lovely lady Carol.

Varaq,McWho? and Octo

You must be wondering why my title is room 13 and i'll briefly describe just why. If ever walls were to get ears, then the residents and the pirates of this room, especially the pirates should be very very worried. Away from the formal class setup, people opened, talked and shared some of their worst fears. It was also nice to get the ladies inner perspective of things. If I won’t remember Nyeri 2 for anything else, I will remember it for the late night class conversations. I will remember it in that I learnt that perception is everything in a world where there’s no fixed form of reality. I learnt that kindness should not exceed the arm length or a smile exceeds the teeth. A hug shouldn’t linger longer unless you are sending a message and I learnt the most crucial art of war from philosopher Cindy that I just had to share with you; 

”never be afraid to be the bad guy sometimes, a little NO won’t make you evil, instead it will earn you respect …."

You still don’t understand why my title is room 13.What can I say, guilty, I knew the title would appeal to the perv…in you.

Sorry coudn't write longer,exams are around the corner and  I wont want to be a singer or a bag model if I can still be Dr Varaq,sounds nicer in the mouth right?