Lessons from 2012, part 1

For as long as I can remember I have always been Mzee Varaq. Mzee not coz of grey hair or advanced age per se but more coz of busara that comes with age. I think  busara sounds deeper as compared to knowledge or even wisdom for that matter. But if 2012 succeeded in doing something then it was to remind me of how much more I still need to learn. That’s not of course to say that mi si mzee tena, even the elderly sometimes succumb to the plethora of deception that is the world. After ‘launching’ that ‘serious’ word I know I have your attention now.

The year that was was truly rollercoaster in every way. There were moments of triumph just as there were moments of hard loss, moments of reflection just as there were moments of action, moments of toil just as there were moments of reward, moments of joy just as there were moments of grief .Towards the end of the year I lost my cousin Zakayo Otie, no relationship to that Zacheaus of Samaria or was it Galilee? I ain’t sure. That was a moment of pain. My birthday party was a tragicomic event and if there’s any single event that can claim to have made me a wiser man then it would suffice.

Allow me dear friends to share with you some of the lessons I learnt, the hard way. Consider them wise words of life from an old man ‘who has seen all’ yaani ameona yote…….ok, almost all.

There are certain things that we can do, others however no matter the effort we put aren’t just our things. Top of my list is dancing. Not even if money is involved. I had an opportunity to audition for a Kenya Power advert and it just didn’t end nicely. That moment you remain standing among five hundred bended people is the moment you realize that you don’t belong. Thanks Ragen though for the chance, am sorry I let u down. It’s just that I got two left feet. If you hear of an opportunity in acting or even singing you can let me know. Vera says I have an amazing voice.

vultures fun day at paradise lost,planning a party isn't just venue and finance

Party planning ain’t my thing. I ain’t just crafty and strategic enough to plan and host party. I came to this conclusion after two parties that I actively participated in planning enjoyed a zero success rate. I realized that mobilizing is just the easier part; it’s what you do afterwards that counts. Parties, I tend to think, follows Murphy’s Law of if it can go bad, it will really go bad. I remember, not so long ago, the onus of  planning my primary school reunion fell on Jaduon’g Mano, the de jure and the de facto chair and I. I won’t tell you of how lunch was served at 1800 hours or how we lost the respect of Nyar Ruoth or of how we had to feign seriousness just to create the impression that something was being done. I will tell you though that the incident left me with a bad egg on the face. I don’t plan to plan any party soon, unless of course it’s my victory party. And even that will fall on gifted persons.

Another party principle that 2012 taught me is that light doesn’t mix with darkness. That in issues of religion and God there can never be a middle ground. I learnt that in any gathering it’s important to define the spiritual path, just so that people remain 'gweng’mates'. Just what kind of crowd you are dealing with is important as whereas some people like Lord Rungu believe that there can never be a party without Kibao, others like the alpha male believe that a party must have mud, arega, akina nani and to further separate it from smaller parties, ingoho.

Another lesson that the year forced on me is that River Road and Githurai have one thing in common-They should be avoided like plagues. This is because of the merchants of impunity who operate along these streets waiting to maim the not so born Tao. I also learnt never to buy anything from these places if they can be gotten elsewhere. The former coz they sold me coins in a nice case for a phone and the latter coz they sold me training shoes that didn't last a single training session, not one!

These two places also reminded me how powerless one can really be and just why Paradiso touts will not be among the top hundred to heaven. Not just coz if they say fare ni mbao they mean forty bob or the sheer braggadocio they carry themselves with knowing they are in the safety of their buses but a thousand more reasons. Don’t take such incidences personally, it’s just business. Who knows maybe in Githu City the sheng for coinage changes? After all they forget about you the moment your little altercation is done. Why carry unrequited hate? So this year I make a conscious effort not to let them ruin my days, not to get pissed at people not worth it and of course to always carry coins of every denomination while on official businesses in Githu city.

Contrary to what Hollywood, Nollywood, Hollywood or any other wood may depict people don’t just bump into the streets of Cassandra, collude and live happily thereafter. To a paltry few it may earn you a number but the vast majority will always be that guy who doesn’t look where he’s going. In certain cases it might even earn you severe reprimand or a slap to jolt you to your senses especially if you ruined Shiro’s expensively done nails. Trust me, I know what am saying. Not that I intentionally fell ladies down looking for a happily thereafter but shit happens.

 People are not electricity. I know serious biochemists like Btesh are getting ready to protest . They would like to remind me that the body is connected to a network of nerves that transmit electricity throughout the body. Granted. When I say people aren’t electricity I mean they just don’t get switched on and off whenever your heart desires. If you want them on, you have to cajole, beg, pour compliments from agwata and have the patience of a nun. That she’ll get to heaven and the saints there will finally devirgin her. The reason am saying this is coz I lost many an opportunities because I didn't wait for the lights to open, because I didn't have the patience to follow things to their natural conclusion.

...........................................Part Two Coming UP