Diary of a Jack of all Trades: December 2012

I wasn’t planning to write anything soon but trust Caroline Mutoko to always inspire me. She hit a raw nerve when she said generation Y are idle and of average mind. Well, here’s me writing and tweeting and fbooking to kill the idleness. I hope they count as something meaningful. I just don’t understand though how someone would one call her listeners idle. You won’t be in the market had it not been for these idlers who have nothing to do other than listen to you day in day out. Besides I don’t think just yapping on the radio for two hours could be that hard. For her lovers don’t lynch me #just saying.

After a hard academic semester I believe I deserved ample time with my screen watching all the broken series I had acquired courtesy of the post modern internet in KU’s post modern library .I just had to mention that ,just so my family would know my favourite hangout spots in school.

If there is something that I would rather skip is the semesterly moving with luggage to and from KU. The only silver lining is that the sacks of maize I came with are now history having been converted into arega. Am already thinking of not carrying cham next sem. You’ll have to ask Jaduon’g Omosh what that means. It’s during packing that you realize just how many paraphernalia that you have that you are not using. With the season over, my hockey equipment are just nuisances. Just as is the cooking coil, the books, the bedding, the clothes amongst others. The only thing preventing me from discarding them is that there is the East Africa games coming in Dar (just had to mention that too, don’t worry swry all be back).And of course all still have to eat to be fit, look good and have bedding for good use- to rest in case you were starting to have some ideas.

just y i have to carry cham

The semester has been short what with the lectures strike and senior lectures like Dr Onsongo going to the Yunaired States of America every fortnight to parry(read party).

There is a concept in epidemiology called epidemiological transition. Relax, it’s no biggie .It simply means that the patterns of disease or a condition are changing based demographic factors such as age, sex, employment status etc. Well, if there is a phenomenon that can be observed is the changing patterns, not of disease, but of relationships throughout the sem. At different times, there are those guys who are most sought after.

At the beginning of the semester the regular Joe has a chance just as everybody else. This is especially true if HELB has ‘done something’ or he can create the impression that he is loaded. Just long enough to get, get in some more and get out. The trend however changes during the middle of the sem when the global economic turndown starts to be felt. The ladies just like the nomads are forced to look for greener pastures. It’s at this time of the semester that Naliaka of Bungoma suddenly has an uncle she visits every weekend. However, just like the heavy Joe at the beginning of the semester this marriage of convenience ends before it even starts. Though not coz the pot of cash ran dry but because it’s the exam time and people forgot that at the end of it all, there is always an exam.

operation tembelea uncle

At such times, the academically gifted of us get to hold the drivers seat. Assignments get done for them, sweet SMSes start coming their way.

Babe u r God’s gift to me, I don’t know what I could have done that without u

It is usually followed by a request
Babe siskii poa,c unifanyie hiyo assigno ya PPH 301,pleez,……….mwaaah!

The majority swallows the bait whole and do two assignments, write two notes and even in cats think for two. Others however, know the drill, bide their time and make sure that their academic contributions are well rewarded in goods commensurate to the effort put in. However, there is need to move in fast lest she moves to uncle on her way home.

I remember when I was in primary school, the bullies used to bellow that, “abiro loro kodi”
That translated simple means that I will close with you.
People would gather and watch as the two fought their way down to death, not death death. A self appointed referee would ask a person who feels strong enough to cross a marked line or put the grass on the other. Even though sometimes you were scared to the stomach there would be no turning better. During those days we used to say that dhiang tho gi lum e thoga.

Today am in good moods so ill translate that too. It means a bull dies with grass in its mouth. The overlying logic here was that one could lose honorably in the ‘arena’ or punk out and be the laughing stock of the school until somebody did something more stupid. It is during such battle that you would wish for the referee to end the match and just declare the winner especially when you were the man on the receiving end. The referee had at this time however forgotten his responsibilities and was enjoying the action. At such times one could only be saved by the closing bell or by turning carnivorous. You know like biting a huge chunk of meat from the bingwa. However such actions were considered girlish thus one had to it discreetly.

I remembered this incidence because it does happen in universities too. No, not of sweaty men strangling each other or fighting to the ground. In universities, one just chooses something and marks it in his head that I will close with it. In most cases it is that girl you have always wanted during the semester or getting drunk silly, momentarily forgetting who you are, what’s going on around you and overindulging .The latter is very risky as you might be forced to walk to Westy (I don’t mean Westlands Nairobi but western Kenya) or go to the campus shylocks to ask for fare. Unlike the shylock of Venice who asked for a pound of flesh, these ask something of greater value like that camera you bought with your first HELB or that phone your aunty gave you as a birthday present. Who said we can’t do aunties?

There is that surge of courage that comes when you realize that she’ll be leaving next week. After all what’s the worst that could happen. If she says yes it’s till semester do us apart, if she says no, well I was just kidding. There is however need to be careful of some ladies who fatten the ram before slaughter. These are the ones that invite you over for uji in the last fortnight of the semester. At the end of it all know that you are being readied to carry luggage to the gate. This category of men however don’t score because asking would be very very awkward. So the next time u notice extra friendly activity at the end of the semester, and it’s usually consistent, don’t be that hen who thinks their owner gives her maize because he loves her.

Then of course there is the all weather group. These are the guys who are likely to charm at the beginning as they are likely to charm at the end. In most cases they play for the Vultures, are cash laden and spot Mohawks on their head. They most cases have a pink shirt, purple pants and orange shoes. They usually have sun glasses never mind its 2000 hours. My friend Masibo calls it ‘swagger’
Where do the rest of us fall? There is this category who subscribes to the broes over whores philosophy. I used to be a staunch member of this group till I heard that the thinking out there is this broes don’t have hoes .I guess am temporarily groupless.

The moment I realize what group I belong to, will inform you good people.