“Is it worth it?”
I stifle a yawn
My eyes red as fresh blood from a healthy cow’s cervix
Veins protruding from my visage
All that remains of my once stunning physiognomy is a few specks of beauty
And I ask myself,”’is it worth it?”
I was hurt
Before that I was sad
And even before that I was in denial
But now all that is in me is ire; choler at the world; Anger at her inhabitants
And I ask the world “was it worth it?”
My family has abandoned me; claiming I pushed them away
Left me to the whims of the earth and the cruel grace of fate
They were caring a first, understanding
But now they are cold and distant, wishing me the best while at the same time preparing for the worst
And I ask them, “Is it worth it?”
I look at her angelic face staring at me from the wall
She is smiling; grinning at me!
My countenance drops its look of anger
It is replaced by the sharpest of pains; I give her my most earnest and imploring look
And I ask her picture on the wall “is it worth it?”
We had plans; we had dreams; we had visions together
I still remember her face that cold July morning
Joyfully telling me, “Joe, you gonna be a daddy!’‘
And all that remains of that and other plans we had together is disillusionment and a question
“Is it worth it?”
I look at the car cars lying on the table
Gathering dust and struggling with rust
My wedding present to her
The car that had taken away her life and my only reason for living
And I ask it “is it worth it?”
I bear a grudge against every body
Why are they so happy?
Why do they have to flaunt their happiness to me?
Why do they have everything while I don’t?
And I ask death,” was it worth it?”
Then I suddenly cannot bear it anymore
I take a look at the stuffy room
It stubbornly stares back
Everything everywhere but not where they are supposed to be
And I ask myself,”‘ is it worth it?”
I look out of the window and into their burgeoning vegetation beyond
The very green grass, the shrubs mushrooming from where they buried her
And I aint mad at them anymore; or at her; or at the world
I pick a broom; make a mental note to pay the beauty parlor; the market; the supermarket a visit
And I know the answer now, it wasn’t worth it
Robert Aseda
Kenyatta University
(My poems)
