Are all men dogs?

So am seated in a  matatu going home after a long hard day talking about condoms and sex. Interesting work, right? It may appear so, but sometimes you get so tired you just want to get to bed, and snore. It’s ironical, right? That you talk about CDs all day and you never get to use them, not even if u wanted to, not even if you were getting home to Halle Berry.

I’m the last passenger to get in so that means I get to sit at the back. For those who use matatus you know how these backseats of Embassava can be. But you have no option because you’re not sure when the next bus will come. So you squeeze your knees together, pay your fare, put your phone on silent mode and ship it to your back pocket and wait for sweet sweet sleep to come. Putting your phone in your back pocket is merely a precaution. It’s not to say you don’t trust other people. It is just acknowledging that this is Nairobi.

You don’t struggle, after a while you are off to slumber land. One hour is sufficient time for my sleep. The driver must be mad because he’s driving and I’m snoring, so he keeps hitting potholes jolting me awake. I give up my attempt to sleep and check my phone. The messages are not from useful people. Just kawaida people like Baroson informing me of his marital problems with mama mboga.

Then I notice these two beautiful girls ahead of me. I wonder how I hadn’t noticed them before. In their heads they must be whispering, but it so loud I bet somebody five rows ahead could hear. They are talking about John.(Not my cousin). From the conversation, it’s apparent he must be one of the ladies’ guy. The aggrieved party is pouring her heart out how John never texts these days, how he put some woman's picture as his profile picture on Facebook with a caption, ‘THIS IS US’.

                       She isn't even beautiful.

                       She isn't even his type.

The friend who had been listening with feigned interest blasts out, “…all men are the same! They are all dogs.”

I wanted to join the conversation and assure the nice lady that all men aren’t the same but they would accuse me of eavesdropping, which I wasn’t technically. They were just loud.

This reminded me of all the posts on social media of all heartbroken girls who as part of their grieving process equate all men to dogs.

Not all men are the same ladies. Some are circumcised, some are not (kihis), some are circumcised without anesthesia at River Nzoia, and some are circumcised in the comfort of a hospital theatre. They are all men, but they are different. My mentor, Juma Juma, and his traditional circumciser friend Matolo remind me every day that bhe khulupao (those circumcised in hospitals) are not real men. That’s a discussion for another forum.

Yes, some men are dogs, but others are warthogs, chickens, hyenas, bears, lions, cockroaches, pigs, donkeys, bears, snakes, bedbugs etc.

Cockroaches.

The cockroach is an unwanted parasite. It signifies filth and dirt. But a cockroach also has other qualities. It feasts on dirty sufurias on the ground floor and then climbs up to the second and third floors. If you have been to some of these institutions of higher learning you’ll attest to what I’m saying. Not about the cockroaches silly, about the men. The cockroach is a man with a girlfriend in Nyayo 1 Hostel room 13, room 113, 213 and so on. You think this doesn’t happen? Pay more attention.

The snake.

The serpent is perhaps as low as it gets, literally and figuratively. In fact had it not been for the serpent we all could be seating calmly in Eden drinking fruit juices and hanging out with lions. I’m not sure God would have allowed technology, but imagine Instagram photos with lions and leopards. The captions would be like #macrew #werule #bffs #selfination #selfie #chilling #tagsforlikes #YOLO #Eden.

Back to the bad snake. The snake is also known for biting people close to it. A snake in a relationship would be that ex who goes around telling people how you couldn’t get it on. You know what I mean. If not ask Colonel Moustapha.

The pig

The pig is the animal which feasts on trash in dustbins and places full of filth. The pig here is the man who goes to fill his thirst in those places of ill repute. He doesn’t like home cooked meals, he likes it thrown around in the streets. And by meal hope you know am not talking about ugali.

The Hyena

This is the ultimate scavenger. The man who feeds on left overs and prey too weak to defend themselves. This is the man who waits for bigger men to hunt and bring down the antelopes and the impalas, choose their best parts and discard the rest. The hyena is that guy who waits for breakup signs between his friends and their girlfriends and like lightening swoop in. It doesn’t matter how he gets in even if it means painting you as Lucifer reincarnate. To the hyena, the end justifies the means. This man also goes after fragile ladies just left and the ones with the self confidence of negative five. Don’t judge people, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

The cock (Not that cock, the male of a chicken)

The cock is known for bad behavior. If someone ever tells you that you have the appetite of a cock then you must really be having some serious appetite. This is the man who gets it on in the middle of a public park and doesn’t relax until his needs are met. This man is also pretty generous. Why make one hen happy when you can make the entire farm happy? It goes without saying that too many cocks in a single shed is a recipe for disaster.

The donkey

This is the beast of burden. The donkey is the man who toils hard with no significant reward. He is the guy who does the menial labor like carrying shopping, acting as security, fixing broken doors and pipes and stuff like that. It goes without saying that a donkey’s reward is in heaven and not here on earth.

The lion

This is the king. He oozes confidence and always gets what he wants, whenever he wants it. He is admired by foe and ally. All other males recognize he is THE man. These are the kind of men you greet with your head facing his 'bigness'. If the hyenas and the pigs were to come back in another life they would defintely want to come back as lions.  Barney Stinson would be the perfect example.

The bear

The bear is a very beautiful animal. It’s the sort of animal that looks like it could take away all your problems  with just a hug from its furry body. The bear, however, can be rough, aggressive and antagonistic. The bear is the man who looks responsible and good outside but can be pretty abusive and rough at home. He is the kind of man that would make your colleagues refer to you as that girl who falls off the stairs every night.

The bedbug

How could I forget the bedbug? KU alumni will tell you that bedbugs are such a nuisance that you’d rather watch a series the whole night than to try to sleep. The bedbug is the man who won’t just go away even after fumigating, pouring hot water and exposing him to the sun. He sucks your blood to his fill and just won’t leave you alone even for a night. By blood I don’t mean blood.

There are men with other different characteristics. There is the warthog who forgets your birthdays, your dates, your anniversaries and all those dates you think are important. There is the smelly skunk, there’s the tricky hare and the list is endless.

See, dogs are not that bad as you ladies think. The dog may vomit, but it will get the vomit back into the mouth to be digested again.

And oh, I didn't forget to mention the frog. This is the man who despite making the loudest noise will still not stop the cows from quenching their thirst from his stream. Yes, he is insignificant like that.

Have an animal week, won't you?